A close call.

He had found my blog last night. Not that I minded, he knew I felt poorly about my body, and I didn't want to hide anything from him. But before I knew it we were over skype, until about one in the morning, bickering over my eating habits and weight. I could tell he was worried about me but it was still frustrating. He knew where to track my progress now, he would be watching me more closely. When my roommate came in it was late, so we bid each other good night. This morning wasn't much different, and for some reason I was surprised. It was just more heated this morning, I ended up yelling at him. He didn't yell, he just begged. It hurt me that he worried like this, and I didn't want it to come down between my dreams of being beautiful and my dreams of being with him. Why couldn't I have both? He then went on to threaten to tell my mother. I halted, my anger fuming inside me. I sat through my whole class that way. We argued again until I told him to leave me alone, I cried for a few minutes then called my mother myself, figuring it would be better that I get to her before he did. I was right. She understood well what I wanted and why I wanted it, and for this I was thankful. I pleaded with her to talk to him and she did. After their conversation he called me back, and in a much more passive tone apologized, and said he would support me, he just wanted me to be healthy. He also said he wouldn't read this anymore. The rest of the day went along well, and he came over and I compromised by eating. Today was a smoothie, 1/2 a turkey wrap, and then some fro-yo later with the boy. It was relieving, for a moment today I had a feeling that I would never be able to be what I so desperately desired and was working so hard to achieve. It was like surving some variation of an accident, scaring me enough to refocus and try harder. So I guess this whole drama-fest was a good thing. I will be 115.

Shame is measured in calories and pounds.

Yuck yuck yuck! Everything went downhill from this morning. I had a small breakfast, and I skipped lunch. I didn't work out today because I had so much reading to catch up on. Then come dinner, I don't even know what happened. I can't even name what I ate. I am actually really sad I did that, I feel like I failed myself, and truthfully, I did. Now there is no way I will be 120 by Friday. I guess it's good though that now my stomach is in so much pain because I ate so much. I really am ashamed of myself. This is my punishment for eating, my punishment for not having control. I can't bear to weigh myself right now. This can't happen again, and it won't its physically and emotionally taxing. I have to work out tomorrow, at least to burn some of it off, and I will starve tomorrow. I have to, I can't. I'm sad now, but I can't just lay here and wallow in self-pity and regret. Tomorrow I have to get up and do what needs to be done, what I have to be to be thin and beautiful. Tonight was just a lesson learned the hard way.

~americaneaglelove, thank you so much for your support! I'm so glad my comments and posts help you as yours help me. Stay strong lovely!

Hump Day.

I suppose today was hump day in my case, considering Sunday was the day I really set forward seriously to accomplish this goal of mine. They say the third day is always the hardest, but then somehow it gets easier after that. I hope this is the case, and even if it is, I'm sure I will be more used to it but it won't be easier. I was thrilled today when I weighed in, 121.4! I hope I continue losing like this, I really want to be at least 120 by Friday.

I had a wonderful day with the boy. After classes he showed up at the dorms, and I greeted him in my double zeros, they are a lot easier to fit into, but my thighs still touch and I keep feeling muffin top. Therefore I am not yet satisfied. He of course made me eat dinner with him, but I ate half of the panini I ordered and he didn't push me to eat any more. I think he knows not to push me by now, but is happy with a compromise, and so am I. I knew this would happen so I had a small smoothie for breakfast before class. I also worked out today, burned about 420 calories.

What's more is that when we cuddled today, I felt so much more comfortable than previous times. Not completely comfortable, but I wasn't as insecure around him, which really opens me up and brightens my mood. So many good things can come from being thin. :) I want more though, more hip bones, less thighs, less arms, etc. :)

And....amercianeaglelove, thank you so much for commenting on my posts, and replying to mine. It is truly motivating and encouraging!! :)

122.2 :)

I was surprised when I stepped on the scale today and I was 122.2. Grateful, but very surprised! I pushed myself to work out this morning and I burned 430 calories. I was going to fast today, but my roomie and I were out on the town and we grabbed lunch at Cafe Yumm. I ate 1/4 of a Yumm Wrap and had some iced tea, then we came back and split a cookies and cream bar. I guess it could have been worse, but it could have better as well. My roomie even said I looked skinnier! Perhaps I will start working out twice a day and Mondays and Wednesdays, we'll have to see how that works out with the studies. I am going to push myself to get down to 120 this week. If it means working out twice on those days so be it. On a latter note, I can feel my spine slightly better as well. I want more bones, god I cant wait to see my ribs again, especially my hip bones.

My cheekbones are there somewhere...

I was looking over some pro-ana blogs about now, alone in my dorm and I started thinking about something that happened a couple hours earlier. I lifted up my sweatshirt and I actually liked my stomach. It looked at least a lot better than it did earlier this week. It was a truly exhilerating feeling. Then I thought, what if I got skinner? I could have that feeling, but stronger. Eventually, I could have that feeling not just about my stomach, but the love handles right above my booty, then my booty, then my thighs (gapless wonders that they are). My face! Oh! To even see the cheekbones that lie somewhere underneath these chubby cheeks of mine. I want to feel what I felt when I looked in the mirror today, but about my whole body. The changes will come slowly, I know, but every time I work out, every piece of food I deny, makes it happen just a little bit faster. I'm willing to do that. I could get high off that feeling alone. I could just imagine it when my collar bones start to protrude, maybe my xylophone starting to poke out a little. I'm going to chase that dream down and catch it. No more of this ice cream shit, not even that good anyways...at least the stuff at the student store. I want him to carry me on his back, and when he tells me I practically weigh nothing, I want to know for sure he means it, because there would be no way he couldn't.

Eatin' Banana Pancakes...will make you fat Jack Johnson!

How shall I put this? The boy came over, I didn't binge on dinner, although we did have ice cream and damn it i totally binged today. I was bored out of my skull and the only bone-headed, gluttenous thing I could think of doing was eating. I got celery sticks for a reason. Well I justified it in my head because he took me out to eat this afternoon and I treated myself this evening. That was all I had today but still, it was too much and it was fatty shit. If I want to be skinny, I'm going to have to stop doing shit fat people do. I was doing so well this week too, got down to 124 something, didn't have the guts to check today. I'll work out tomorrow and weigh in after. I'll probably have gained but I wouldn't be surprised with how much crap I ate today. Tomorrow I'll work my ass off and I'll fast. (With the exception of celery sticks). And next week I'm going to actually commit to starving myself, none of this crap where I am snacking on an apple or something to get me by. That's why I only dropped two pounds this week instead of four, and I probably undid all that work today. If I want to be able to go outside with shorts, to wear a tight tank top, for him to see my ribs again, for him to worry, for me to be light as air, I have to go all or nothing. That's how Ana is, all or nothing. You have her or you don't.

I slipped, but won't quit.

Well, of course I was fed by the fam a lot over spring break. I fed my face and gained some weight. When I returned to school on Monday I was 126.4, now I'm 124.6. I immediately started working out and I have been eating a lot less. Been kind of hard to reign in control when there are sweets around, especially oreos, but I'm doing better. Going to work out again before the boy gets here tomorrow. I look so fat, I am so fat, but at least I am doing something about it. I'm not laying my lazy ass down on the bed and napping like last term, I'm eating half an orange for breakfast, going to my morning classes, and then working out. That's how it should be. No more dessert for me though! I'm disappointed that I gained so much weight, but it makes me want to try harder, my stomach is horrendous to look at. Since I'm staying at school this weekend, I'm going to work out of course. I might even go into town and buy a tanning package, I'm so so pale. Yuck. But my tubby is even worse, being pale just accentuates it. Hopefully I'll be able to bleach my hair next weekend if I go home. I want to be 118, that's my next goal, but I'll be celebrating inside when I get under 120. I'll be so happy. Stay strong lovelies! <3