Friday, December 23, 2011

Waiting it out.

Fat...yeah I know I have gained this break...big whoop. I will start as soon as I get back to school and starve and work out constantly and only eat salads and such. I think this is good for me i am so tired of eating and being full that I can't wait to get back on campus and go to the gym every day and start losing and watching myself shrink instead of watching myself balloon to the point i think i will pop. I can't wait to start changing myself...keeping record of my weight again....hitting the gym and watch the extra me just fall off....I will be skin and bones soon. My ribs will show and I will fit into my 00s again, only better! I can't wait. :)

Monday, December 19, 2011

Break=FAT

Don't want to know weight, although I have a rough idea. I don't think winter break is really good for anyone though!I have promised myself a new start when I get back to school though. I just can't get away from the fast food and sweets and absolutely everything fatty with family around and constantly being on the road. I have been so bad. :( I will make up for it though...I want to be so skinny and feel great in my second level ballet class next term...I will be beautiful. Not even really for him anymore...

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Chocolate Thunder from Down Under

I dunno about you, but I think that is about the worst dessert name ever. We went to Outback tonight and I was in front of my mom and bf so I had to eat. Also, the last few days being home have been hard, I have probably gained, hopefully not too much though since I have been trying to not completely gorge myself. I'm going to try and figure out this tread-climber thing my mom has and use it at home, since I know its going to be a lot more accessible than going to the gym every day. Then I'll just try to have salad every time I eat out, pretty simple really, I unfortunately didn't even consider it tonight. :( Minor setback, but I'm going to keep working!
Lofty idea, but I at least want to be able to send some portfolio shots into some agencies this summer. It really is a fantasy, but I would absolutely love it and it's something that will help me work towards my goal and drive me, so whatever works right?

Love you all, stay strong! <3

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Oh god...

I'm humoring the people around me by eating...I hate it...I feel so full....
But...I did just watch the VS fashion show and I am never eating again. lol If you are ever feeling like you might want to eat....just watch that and you will want to exercise for hours.

Bad Myself!

I'm a failure. All sorts of bad shit today...I need to relearn how to control myself when the bf comes over, I was 135.6 today though. Soon though right? I just have to get through finals which is the bad part of it. Wish my luck I hope I haven't gained back everything I have lost.

Stay strong lovelies!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Quick Post.

Horrible night, taco bell and ice cream. Bad me. Rest of the day was very good though. I want to be so skinny it is killing me! Bla! I promise I will be. :) Went to go see Breaking Dawn tonight, Bella's bones were so beautiful....

I lost weight? Whaa?

Yay! I worked out, 400 calories down the drain. I waited long enough so I'm not hungry, and I had a bowl of special k for breakfast, nothing else. :) And now I'm 136.0. Making progress feels good, even if I do want to be lower, at least I'm getting there.

Stay strong lovelies!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Yucky Number.

Final weigh in today: 136.4
Not pretty, but it's progress. My goal weight right now is 115, would it be completely insane for me to try to get too 100, 99 would be lovely, but if it is absolutely physically impossible then that leaves me for no hope. I'm 5'8"....so I' wondering if that would be completely out of the realm of sanity. Went to the gym today for the first time in forever, I'm so tired but whatever. I need to shut up about "tired" until I'm thin.
I remember last year, going to take a shower in the girl's rest/shower room. I remember washing my hair and finding strands of it tangled between my fingers. It was falling out....I wasn't sure what to think at the time...But inside, I know it made me happy. I want it back, I want to feel fabulous.

My Little Ana Breakfast.

Nah fuck it, I don't want to delete everything off here. Who am I kidding? Not like I would have the time to do it anyways with finals, boyfriend, hoping to find time to go to the gym and kill myself on the elliptical. I can only cross my fingers for the last. I've gained so much weight over vacation/not caring during school/thanksgiving. It's disgusting, I'm disgusting. So please don't laugh when I post it, I have to if I ever want to lose. So I can keep posting, showing my actual progress, its in print, I can't disappoint myself or my readers. I have people watching.
I want people to be shocked at how skinny I am, gawking and wondering how I do it. So far today I have eaten: A bowl of Special K, and some apple slices. I'm only eating the apple slices now so it will hold me over until after my writing class.
I don't want to go to math today. During presentations on Monday I choked, I could hear people snickering, and hear myself mumbling more, stuttering, getting lost in the words I was reading, losing my place..failing. When I sat down again, I could hear the guys behind me making fun of me, mocking me. They didn't have to tell me how poorly I did, I already knew. If only everyone knew why I did so bad, because I was fatigued, insecure, hating myself, so stupid. Hell, right before I even left for class I cried because I looked at myself in those jeans and that shirt and realized how wide I am..I am so fat. But I walked out the door and stood in front of those fools anyways, not like they understood how hard it was for me though. After my utter failure, I had to focus on not crying, taking all my concentration. I fell into my dark place then: "I shouldn't be here. Just do it when you get back to your room, no one will miss you."
So please, when I post this number, don't be like the people in my math class. Don't mock me for something I couldn't help at the time, but I am now. Please know I am working on it and I know I must be a disappointment to you all, but I want my progress to show you I'm not, that I can do this. So...
Ugly and Fat: 137.8
I will change my current weight and goal weight on the sidebar. <3 you all.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Pwease Read? :)

I have been gone for a while (obviously) and let me be the first person to admit that I have screwed up. I am sooooooper fat and I hate it. I just ignored my skinny wants and good eating habits, and it definitely caught up to me. I am heavier than I have been in a couple years and it is greatly distressing. I just know I have do do something or I will end up even worse than I am now, I want to feel good when I put on clothes now, instead of trying to dress up for something, trying on eight million different outfits and being unhappy with all of them and ending up crying. So I am just thinking about redoing this blog, erasing all my previous posts and renaming it, for a fresh start. Being thin and wanting to be thin is a part of me and I can't ignore it because all this pressure starts building up and it makes me miserable, especially when I know I'm not doing anything to improve my situation. I just wanted to put this information out there to those who may still be following because I don't want to just leave you guys, I feel like we are all working towards a somewhat common goal and we support one another. Any feedback would be great and I miss you all! :)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Kick myself

Hey lovelies, I know I have been a horrible blogger and have not updated in forever. Long story short, I have been gaining and losing from being out of town, dining out, and relatives being over. But this month I have gotten a chance to work out again and keep to good eating habits. Have my bf's and bff's bdays coming up this weekend so I'll have to get salads if we go out. I'm hoping to get down to 120 by the 17th. I really have to...I mean the cruise is coming up too soon to even think about. Just having trouble not stuff my face after exercise. I think I'm bloated my tummy looks awful. Blah...I will try to update more often on my progress.
Today's Eats:
-1 4o cal popsicle
-1 stick of celery
-1 slice of salami (25 cals) >.<
-1/2 small grapefruit

sticking to celery and maybe a peach after my work out....must drink water!!!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Heat Exhaustion?

Well hello there peoples! :)

So today I had like barely anything for breakfast, then I went to work out and I did so freaking well. Then I went tanning, but when I got home I became really nauseous and decided it might be from not eating. So I ate a small fruit cup and threw it right the hell up after. So I slept for a while and then had some soup and gatorade, and thats probably around 400 cals. Egad! Then I had a slice of cheese because I got hungry later...So I basically completely undid my workout today but I am still sure I kept it under 1000 cals today. But the problem is I got down to a lower 123 today, then jumped back to 125 after eating and drinking a bunch. I am worried I won't be 120 by the fourth, but I have a week, so I am just going to rehydrate myself tonight and keep my head up and go back in tomorrow...can't wait to finally see 122!

Stay Strong lovelies! <3

Not enough, yet.

Still fluttering at 123, maybe if I don't eat anything but another half of an apple today and work out, maybe I can get to 122, but it's just depressing me to step on the scale and keep seeing the same thing. I have to eat less.
Oh yes, and as added motivation, I have been considering taking ballet lessons either this summer or the next term at school they are available. And I know how tight and unforgiving those leotards are, but how amazing they look on thin people. When I was young I was still fairly chubby and of course, did not look good in them. I am starting to see my ribs...its amazing....and my hip bones and peaking through. But it's not enough, I want more. But for now, it works as good motivation, a little tase of what is to come. I just have to be patient and not screw up in the meantime. I should be going tanning today after I work out, yay! My pale skin does not justice for my flabby body.

Stay strong lovelies! :)

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Go away thighs!

123 today, yesterday and today though I have been wavering between 124 and 123. I think I can get down to at least 120 before the fourth, if I can get down any lower though I will be thrilled. My tummy looks a whole lot better, not so poochy. But my thighs are still so horrendous. Anyone have any tips?
I put these jeans on yesterday and my thighs just looked so thick it was depressing. Oh well, once I get to 115 the weight has to come from somewhere, and hopefully by then it will be shed off my thighs. I'm a lot happier now though than I was from two weeks ago. Just gotta keep holding on. :)

Stay strong lovelies! :)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Back in the saddle.

Hey loves! Just finished a killer workout at the gym here in town. Lost an itty bitty amount of weightsince I last posted, but at least it's something, right? Sooo tired...just wanted to update. :) I won't be seeing the boy for a week (or maybe even two), so I want to make as much of a drastic change between now and then. Anywho, I'm looking forward to that. :) I am praying I will be my goal weight by the time of the cruise...if not sooner. I know i will be around a lot of people by the fourth so my goal weight will be....120 by July 4th. I think that's plausible, especially for how much I will be working out now. I just have to focus, keep my eye on the prizze, and realize how much time I have left.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Off to find that scale....

Hey everyone. :) Sorry I haven't been updating lately, dead week and finals week almost killed me, and this week I have been shadowing at the hospital and getting moved out and back into the house (oh joy). Well anywho, I'm still fat, but my mom and I just got memberships to the local gym and we plan on going very regularly. :) I've been trying to lay off the food, and been getting progressively better since I got out of school. Not quite as many temptations here, so it's been fairly easy. I don't know how much I weigh though, i still need to find the scale amongst the stacks of boxes in my room. But I've been saying no food with ease now so at least it's progress.
And of course, the best news for last, I'm going out tomorrow to get a little "push" for my weight loss if you know what i mean. ;)
This week I'll be with the boy at his parent's house while they are gone and maybe I'll go running or something in the neighborhood, since I am pretty sure it will be sunny there. :) I am so focused, nothing is getting in my way, especially because I don't want to be uncomfortable in all those tiny clothes at the end of this summer. :P Again, sorry for the sketchy posting schedule, wish me luck!

Stay Strong lovelies! :)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Don't get in my way, hun.

Today has been better than the other days. Went out to lunch with my grandpa but I didn't eat everything on my plate, which is a change for the better, and I had cereal for breakfast so it was an improvement, although I am going to be eating mostly fruits and veggies of course this next week. I don't know how far-fetched this is but I would be all too happy if I could get down to 120 or below this week. Then if I lose another five pounds the week after I'll be 115. As unrealistic as it sounds when I absolutely starve myself and work out until I want to pass out I lose pretty quickly, and only having a couple more weeks at school, I am under a fair amount of pressure.
God if he read this I don't know how he'd react. Well honey, don't forget, I'm doing this for you too. Don't try to stop me, because if my body isn't as I want it, I will never have a clear mind and heart. This is going to make me who I want to be.
Anywho...now I must respond to those lovely comments! :)
ullalexie: Thank you so much for your support! I appreciate your belief in my persistance. And girl, neither of us will be the fat friend, let's do this. :)

Kate: Thank you for the comment! :) Those are definitely two things I just need to keep in my head, will power is my friend. :)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Long, ranty post. :)

Hey all, just wanted to do a quick post, update on my latest failures. :) But sometimes I guess you just have to kick your own ass to realize what's important to you. I was walking on campus today and saw a chubby girl in a bikini tanning with some of her friends. I thought about my upcoming vacation, and about the warming weather in general, and I am going to end up looking more like her if I keep gaining weight. It sounds bad to say, but it is just the truth about what I thought. If I keep eating like this, I am going to look even worse than I already do. I don't want to go into detail about how I failed, or discourage you lovelies with my failure. I don't have finals until a week after next, so next week I can starve myself and work out, maybe even twice on mondays and wednesdays. I hope you all aren't terribly disappointed, because I am so disappointed in myself, I think that's part of the reason that I have been putting this off. I feel like my failure and gaining this fucking weight is indefinite and basically given up. But even if I am a fat lard now, I think I will be even more unhappy if I don't try period. I promise I will update on my weight next week, when I start working out again and can actually look at myself again. I see the pooch coming back...oh god...I'll fix this body of mine...I will be 115!
And as much as I hate to say this, my bf tells me to be happy with my body, and I tend to believe him on and off. But I have to give this up, sorry to him, but I can't afford five seconds of glossed satisfaction with myself to then later going to my closet and completely avoiding my double zeros because i know I won't fit anymore, and if I do, I'm going to have to squish myself into them and see my thighs touch and jiggle and my muffin top lopping over those beautiful jeans. I promise I'll be better, I'm going to go back to the rules I posted earlier. I just find it so hard to forgive myself and merely start over after screwing up so badly. I can do this, I have to do this.
I will start thinking about how skinny I will be, how amazing I will feel, and not how shitty I feel now because of how badly I screwed up and how fat I am. Focusing on what lies ahead seems to motivate me more. So, I'm going to watch some thinspo, picture myself in that gorgeous body I want, and will have. :) I'm going to stop fucking feeling sorry for myself and get to work, in other words.

Monday, May 16, 2011

What was I thinking? Nothing...that sounds about right.

Don't worry, I'm not going to have a pity party, I'm just going to be honest and admit that I have sort of been ignoring my weight for a while. I think I have just been scared to disappoint myself. Just a lot of midterms and school shit to deal with as well. I think I have just been pushing how I feel about my body to the back of my mind. But I can't keep doing that, I have to deal with it now instead of wallowing in disappointment later. Sorry to disappoint you all. My parents are also splitting up (for the better), and I'm changing my major, so just a lot of stuff happening right now. But I'm not going to make excuses anymore. I'll accept my weight, whatever ungodly number it is at now, and work once more to push the numbers down. Anywho, I just wanted to post before I went to bed, let you all know what's going on. And thank you for the lovely comments. I have an advising appointment to change my major tomorrow...wish me luck!
'
Stay stong, unlike me, and maybe wish some strength upon me, eh? :)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'm back! :D

Hey all! I apologize for having not posted in so long, last week I ended up in the ER twice and I was throwing up blood and all sorts of fun stuff. But anywho, I'm back. No clue what my weight is now, a little afraid to check since I've slept for pretty much two weeks straight so of course I didn't work out. My stomach is still a little burny so I didn't work out today, but even if it is tomorrow still, I plan on working out. It's really freaking me out that there are only a few more weeks until summer and I know I'm probably back up to 125. So, I suppose this means crunch time for me! Which I am okay with, I usually do better under pressure anyways.

Anywho, I am glad to be back. I missed all my skinnies....and hello to my new followers! :)
Off to go look through gorgeous thinspo! Stay strong girls! :)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Say no to the bacon!

Quiiiick update! So for the rest of the day, I ate probably 70% of an egg salad pita sandwich, and I resisted putting bacon on it so yay me! I also just had a pear a couple minutes ago, just to resist the M&Ms my roommate has. :) The lesser of two evils right? So I dunno how many calories those two have in them but I don't think too many, and I'm working out twice tomorrow again...NO MATTER WHAT. So that's it. :) I even resisted getting candy tonight after dinner! Woo!

Love you all, stay strong skinnies! :)

Almost died in art class...

Yeah, it was that boring. An hour and a half of our professor relying on mostly videos to do the lecture for him, and it just ending up repetitive and irrelevant. *snore snore snore* Any who, no that I am back and alive I must report on my success! 112.6 this morning! Weird eh? I was beyond thrilled. It just encourages me to work out today despite the ugly, ugly weather outside. So far I have eaten: 1 cup of Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal, with a small carton of fat free milk. Total: 280 calories. So tonight when the boy gets here I'll just eat some fruit or something. :)

Ugh, and on that note the boy decided to peruse my blog last night and we got in a nasty little disagreement. We worked it out and we're going to talk it out more today, it was just frustrating because I thought we were on a general understanding about it. He seemed to be more understanding after I calmed down a bit and tried to explain this and why I wanted it, which is good. I know he is just worried, but he doesn't need to be. From what I got out of it he just wants me to actually talk to him about how I'm feeling and not him having to read my blog later during the week to realize what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. My body is a touchy subject (obviously) so I don't just open up and blab about it and what I'm doing with it. Just wish me...or us luck this evening.
Thanks for listening lovelies! I appreciate your support, stay strong! <3

Monday, April 25, 2011

Nutella is too good, but not failure-worthy.

Okay let's make this fast! My boyfriend is chastising me over skype! I love him. :) Anywhosie, I worked out again, another 413 calories down the crapper! :) And for dinner I had a mini Tillamook cheese, and a Nutella and go. I think that's around 280 calories? Still almost 300, maybe I should limit those Nutella things down to twice a week, we'll see. :) My stomach hurts, but in the way where it feels like it's constricting and pained. I missed that and I welcome it. I want it to spread up into the rest of my body like it did last summer and envelope me. Take over my consciousness so I feel it presently all the time, from the time I wake up, to when I go to bed famished and weak, every nerve tingling from the comfort of my bed. I say bring it on. :)

I hope the rest of this week turns out as good, if not better than today! Stay strong lovelies! :)

I think I'll post somethi-....*Zzzzzz*

I have been thinking a lot today lovelies....I think I am just going to start over again. Because I didn't want to post my weight until I was back sitting happy at 120 but I want to keep track of my progress this week, especially with the fun little tracker I added to my blog. :) So I think I will make this week a new start. Currently I am sitting at 124, bleah, but I thought I was going to be 127 or something horrible this morning so it's better than what I had expected. Today all I have eaten has been the usual PB toast and small fruit parfait. I worked out today as well and burned 400 calories. I might work out again, but if I do I'm going to eat a little fruit....bleah I posted I have to work out twice today so I might just end up doing that. I'm so tired...I had a bunch of wonderful ideas about stuff I was going to post today but I fell asleep one sentence into this post so I forgetsies! I love you all! And hello to my new followers!!! *waggles fingers* I'll probably zonk out after this, but I'll post if I think of anything else if I think of anything.

Stay strong skinnies! I hope you are all having a wonderful day! :)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

A dose of reality with some ranting at the end! :D

Hey all! I'm sorry for my very sporadic posts at best. I am very sorry for what I have to now tell you. I ate so much this weekend. So. Much. The baby shower had tons of food, my grandma's birthday was this weekend to so of course there was cake and a special dinner. Also, I went to the boy's grandparents house with a substantial amount of his family there and we had a huge dinner. Shoot me. I don't even know how much I weigh at the moment. I'm afraid to step on the scale.
Good news though, is that I did get my hair cut and I love it. :) And so far, I have gotten nothing but compliments on it. I also feel though, however, that it accentuates my chubby cheeks, because there is no long hair to sort of veil them. If I had visible cheekbones though, I would look even better with this hair. So this could be another piece of motivation for me I suppose.
I am so disgusted with myself. No more breaks, no more going easy on myself. I only have one midterm this week so I just need to suck it up. I'm going to make some rules on here to follow, and I HAVE to post if I break any of them.
-No pizza (pizza is my favorite food)
-No ice cream or frozen yogurt
-No cake or pie
-If I get a sandwich from the deli, I can only do so when the boy comes over and only eat half of it.
-Nothing from the "buffet" except salad
-No sausage, bacon, or rice.
-If I get eggs, that's it, nothing else.
-No soft drinks except diet, and aside from that, water.
-No hamburgers or fries
-No hot dogs
-No candy
-I can only have those Nutella packs once a day and that counts as two meals. (so only one meal left)
-Work out twice a day on Mondays and Wednesdays (at least for this week) and every other day work out at least once (including Friday)
-No fast food. Period.
As these rules seem fairly obvious, I think it will help me with staying on track. This will work, I won't fail myself anymore. And this time, I have a system to back up my actions. And the last rule:
-Start reporting on weekends to eliminate binging.
*Rant Warning*
The last one should kick it in the ass too. I should look at this as a positive step. At first a step back but this will make things more permanent. Wish me luck! I WILL report if I have broken any of these rules, I promise. I will do this, I need to. I'm done undoing my work over and over. This is it, and I don't care how much he tries to coerce me to be "healthy" or how much he says "how skinny I am". I don't care how much I feel like passing out or how tired or hungry I am. I have to suffer after binging so hard. The only thing I am listening to is myself and Ana. No room for indulgence. This starts tomorrow morning and I'll be damned if this isn't the most determined I have ever been. He will see my hip bones, and my ribs, the way my stomach sinks in, my face shrinking and my cheekbones starting to show. And he will worry and I will know I am doing well...becoming what I have always wanted and needed. Thin, beautiful, pure.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Chop it all off!!!




Okay dolls! So I thought I might post a pic of what my hair is going to look like after Saturday morning ( The one on the left)! After I get it cut, I get to make a public appearance as well...joy! The boy's sister's baby shower is that afternoon. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, just a little nervous how his parents will react.

And of course I wanted to respond to your comments from today. :)

aelove- Thank you for your concern! I am a lot better now. :) I really hope it does look good! Crossing my fingers. :)

Skinny_legs- Thank you for your comment! And you're so right, no more excuses, that's really all I have been doing, finding excuses. Thanks for your support! :)

Sicky!

Sorry I have not been posting much. I got sick over the weekend and admittedly I ate more than I should have. So I gained a bit, but at least I'm not 125....again. Thank the Lawd! I feel like I'm snapping out of whatever cold buggy thing I have, so I'm going to go to the gym today. I'll probably go pretty light on myself however because I am still pretty dizzy. I went to see Scream 4 on Friday with the boy, (yes, that's what he surprised me with). :) We are both scary movie buffs and Scream has to be one of my favorites, so it was a very thoughtful surprise all around. :) Anywho, one of the characters, Kirby, played by Hayden Panettiere has really short hair and it is reeeeeeally cute. My mom and I went to see it the following day after I got back into town and she told me I have basically the same shaped face as her. Long story short, I consulted her, the boy, and my roomie and they are all in support of me getting it lopped off. I might post a pic of her today or something. :)
I just want to do something different, and since I'm in college, there is no better time to cut my hair right? Well, I think I'm going to go work out now. Have a wonderful, skinny day lovelies!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

120.2!!!

You couldn't imagine how surprised I was when I stepped out of the shower and weighed myself, 120.2! A day early as well! :) I'm happy I finally got down, closer to my goal weight. My next hurdle is 118. Today went fairly well I guess. For breakfast I had 1 low fat peach yogurt cup (140 calories), and a slice of banana walnut bread. I skipped lunch but then the boy and I went out to Shari's for dinner. I didn't completely stuff my face there, so I guess that's good. However, I did have strawberry crepes and two sausage links...bleah. And I also think we are going to taco bell tomorrow after we hit a movie. And I have no idea what we are going to see, he is determined to surprise me. So determined in fact, that he is having me wait in the car when he gets the tickets and then covering my eyes before we enter the actual screening room. Yeah. I'll just kick my own ass at the gym tomorrow morning, no excuses to not go, and I will have a piece of fruit for breakfast. Hopefully that balances it out. Think thin lovelies! <3

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Self-control please?

Today ended up going to shit. I doubt I will be 121 tomorrow, a saddening thought. I started out okay, with my usual slice of toast w/ peanut butter and sliced banana on top, then I worked out, and after had a salad for lunch. Well, after my last class something just snapped and I had 3/4 of a pita sandwich (tuna)....then a small frozen yogurt. The pita I could kind of understand but the frozen yogurt, no way in hell. I just feel all bloaty and full of fail now. This was my one break-down this week, no more. At least I worked out today and was good for half of it, I just have to get used to keeping it going. I feel like purging....dunno if I will or not yet, there are people right outside the bathroom. I want to see the numbers go down but I know tomorrow that won't happen. :( Once again, I have to pick myself up and keep going. Maybe I should limit sandwiches to once a week, that's a good idea. Oh, and does anyone have tips for inner thigh exercises? My thighs in general, but especially my inner thighs, have always given me trouble. Stay strong lovelies! <3

Random post-morning class post :)

Well yipeee! I'm close enough to the weight I was before I went all binge-crazy, so I suppose I'm brave enough to post it...122. Holy crap....if I could get to 120, or even better, 119 by Friday I just might scream. So I gotta work super hard! I will work out this morning and not procrastinate it until this afternoon. One more thinspo vid then gym, I'm not letting myself down again. I don't even think he thinks I can do it. I'll show him. :)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I'm Alive!

Okies, so I guess I didn't die from the massive weight gain over this weekend. I'm actually feeling rather optimistic! I lost about 2 pounds already and I worked out today, another 400 calories gone. Today I suppose I didn't eat much. 1/2 a bowl of cereal for breakfast with non-fat milk. Later I had 3/4 of a turkey pita sandwich and a couple bites of his frozen yogurt. A little naughtiness but that was the best I have done in a while. Oh! And I found out exactly how many calories are in those smooothies I have been getting, gawwwd. In other words, enough to make me stop getting them! Of course I hope to lose more tomorrow....120 by the end of the week I am begging! Another point to bring up, I was watching thinspo on youtube last night, and after each vid I read the comments below. People kept mentioning "ana buddies". Eh? Never heard of it, but it sounds nice though. :) And of course, americaneaglelove (aelove for short if that's alright.), thank you once again for your support, I really needed that after how discouraged I was feeling! :) Good night loves! Stay Strong! <3

Monday, April 11, 2011

Eww!

Like I said, I screwed up this weekend. My brain was absent. Well I paid the price for it this morning when I got the courage up to weigh myself. Big, yucky number staring up at me. Nothing I ate this weekend was worth that. All of my hard work down the drain. I guess I just have to slap myself again and get back to work. I'll just have to remember this shit feeling next time I consider eating something. On the bright side I'm not back at my starting weight I guess. Shame on me! I think I should probably get going to the gym before I get hungry. No more food for me tonight. Ugh I'm so frustrated with myself. I'll post what I have eaten today so out of obligation I won't eat any more later, because then I'll have to post that too! :D Today's eats: -1/2 orange -1 slice whole wheat toast w/ peanut butter -1 small strawberry banana soy smoothie Yuck.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

More Yuck.

Bleah. Don't even ask me about this weekend, binge city. I ate out with the fam more than once and had to get fast food on the way back to school. Not weighing myself tonight, hell no. I will work out every day this week, no matter how tired I am. No idea what I weigh now, I'm at least 123, I can feel it sticking to me. I'll restrict myself like crazy too. I don't want to feel fat like I do now. I want to feel amazing like last week but even better! No excuses for myself this week though, considering I ate everything that didn't eat me first this weekend. If I don't weigh a crazy amount tomorrow after working out I'll go for 119 by this Friday, at least. Just going to have to tread a very thin line I guess. -americaneaglelove: And I let him use my computer, and he just found it in the search history and got curious! lol But yeah, it was really sweet how concerned he was, and he definitely is a keeper. :) Thanks for your support sweetie!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

A close call.

He had found my blog last night. Not that I minded, he knew I felt poorly about my body, and I didn't want to hide anything from him. But before I knew it we were over skype, until about one in the morning, bickering over my eating habits and weight. I could tell he was worried about me but it was still frustrating. He knew where to track my progress now, he would be watching me more closely. When my roommate came in it was late, so we bid each other good night. This morning wasn't much different, and for some reason I was surprised. It was just more heated this morning, I ended up yelling at him. He didn't yell, he just begged. It hurt me that he worried like this, and I didn't want it to come down between my dreams of being beautiful and my dreams of being with him. Why couldn't I have both? He then went on to threaten to tell my mother. I halted, my anger fuming inside me. I sat through my whole class that way. We argued again until I told him to leave me alone, I cried for a few minutes then called my mother myself, figuring it would be better that I get to her before he did. I was right. She understood well what I wanted and why I wanted it, and for this I was thankful. I pleaded with her to talk to him and she did. After their conversation he called me back, and in a much more passive tone apologized, and said he would support me, he just wanted me to be healthy. He also said he wouldn't read this anymore. The rest of the day went along well, and he came over and I compromised by eating. Today was a smoothie, 1/2 a turkey wrap, and then some fro-yo later with the boy. It was relieving, for a moment today I had a feeling that I would never be able to be what I so desperately desired and was working so hard to achieve. It was like surving some variation of an accident, scaring me enough to refocus and try harder. So I guess this whole drama-fest was a good thing. I will be 115.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Shame is measured in calories and pounds.

Yuck yuck yuck! Everything went downhill from this morning. I had a small breakfast, and I skipped lunch. I didn't work out today because I had so much reading to catch up on. Then come dinner, I don't even know what happened. I can't even name what I ate. I am actually really sad I did that, I feel like I failed myself, and truthfully, I did. Now there is no way I will be 120 by Friday. I guess it's good though that now my stomach is in so much pain because I ate so much. I really am ashamed of myself. This is my punishment for eating, my punishment for not having control. I can't bear to weigh myself right now. This can't happen again, and it won't its physically and emotionally taxing. I have to work out tomorrow, at least to burn some of it off, and I will starve tomorrow. I have to, I can't. I'm sad now, but I can't just lay here and wallow in self-pity and regret. Tomorrow I have to get up and do what needs to be done, what I have to be to be thin and beautiful. Tonight was just a lesson learned the hard way.
~americaneaglelove, thank you so much for your support! I'm so glad my comments and posts help you as yours help me. Stay strong lovely!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Hump Day.

I suppose today was hump day in my case, considering Sunday was the day I really set forward seriously to accomplish this goal of mine. They say the third day is always the hardest, but then somehow it gets easier after that. I hope this is the case, and even if it is, I'm sure I will be more used to it but it won't be easier. I was thrilled today when I weighed in, 121.4! I hope I continue losing like this, I really want to be at least 120 by Friday.


I had a wonderful day with the boy. After classes he showed up at the dorms, and I greeted him in my double zeros, they are a lot easier to fit into, but my thighs still touch and I keep feeling muffin top. Therefore I am not yet satisfied. He of course made me eat dinner with him, but I ate half of the panini I ordered and he didn't push me to eat any more. I think he knows not to push me by now, but is happy with a compromise, and so am I. I knew this would happen so I had a small smoothie for breakfast before class. I also worked out today, burned about 420 calories.



What's more is that when we cuddled today, I felt so much more comfortable than previous times. Not completely comfortable, but I wasn't as insecure around him, which really opens me up and brightens my mood. So many good things can come from being thin. :) I want more though, more hip bones, less thighs, less arms, etc. :)



And....amercianeaglelove, thank you so much for commenting on my posts, and replying to mine. It is truly motivating and encouraging!! :)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

122.2 :)

I was surprised when I stepped on the scale today and I was 122.2. Grateful, but very surprised! I pushed myself to work out this morning and I burned 430 calories. I was going to fast today, but my roomie and I were out on the town and we grabbed lunch at Cafe Yumm. I ate 1/4 of a Yumm Wrap and had some iced tea, then we came back and split a cookies and cream bar. I guess it could have been worse, but it could have better as well. My roomie even said I looked skinnier! Perhaps I will start working out twice a day and Mondays and Wednesdays, we'll have to see how that works out with the studies. I am going to push myself to get down to 120 this week. If it means working out twice on those days so be it. On a latter note, I can feel my spine slightly better as well. I want more bones, god I cant wait to see my ribs again, especially my hip bones.

My cheekbones are there somewhere...

I was looking over some pro-ana blogs about now, alone in my dorm and I started thinking about something that happened a couple hours earlier. I lifted up my sweatshirt and I actually liked my stomach. It looked at least a lot better than it did earlier this week. It was a truly exhilerating feeling. Then I thought, what if I got skinner? I could have that feeling, but stronger. Eventually, I could have that feeling not just about my stomach, but the love handles right above my booty, then my booty, then my thighs (gapless wonders that they are). My face! Oh! To even see the cheekbones that lie somewhere underneath these chubby cheeks of mine. I want to feel what I felt when I looked in the mirror today, but about my whole body. The changes will come slowly, I know, but every time I work out, every piece of food I deny, makes it happen just a little bit faster. I'm willing to do that. I could get high off that feeling alone. I could just imagine it when my collar bones start to protrude, maybe my xylophone starting to poke out a little. I'm going to chase that dream down and catch it. No more of this ice cream shit, not even that good anyways...at least the stuff at the student store. I want him to carry me on his back, and when he tells me I practically weigh nothing, I want to know for sure he means it, because there would be no way he couldn't.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Eatin' Banana Pancakes...will make you fat Jack Johnson!

How shall I put this? The boy came over, I didn't binge on dinner, although we did have ice cream and damn it i totally binged today. I was bored out of my skull and the only bone-headed, gluttenous thing I could think of doing was eating. I got celery sticks for a reason. Well I justified it in my head because he took me out to eat this afternoon and I treated myself this evening. That was all I had today but still, it was too much and it was fatty shit. If I want to be skinny, I'm going to have to stop doing shit fat people do. I was doing so well this week too, got down to 124 something, didn't have the guts to check today. I'll work out tomorrow and weigh in after. I'll probably have gained but I wouldn't be surprised with how much crap I ate today. Tomorrow I'll work my ass off and I'll fast. (With the exception of celery sticks). And next week I'm going to actually commit to starving myself, none of this crap where I am snacking on an apple or something to get me by. That's why I only dropped two pounds this week instead of four, and I probably undid all that work today. If I want to be able to go outside with shorts, to wear a tight tank top, for him to see my ribs again, for him to worry, for me to be light as air, I have to go all or nothing. That's how Ana is, all or nothing. You have her or you don't.

Friday, April 1, 2011

I slipped, but won't quit.

Well, of course I was fed by the fam a lot over spring break. I fed my face and gained some weight. When I returned to school on Monday I was 126.4, now I'm 124.6. I immediately started working out and I have been eating a lot less. Been kind of hard to reign in control when there are sweets around, especially oreos, but I'm doing better. Going to work out again before the boy gets here tomorrow. I look so fat, I am so fat, but at least I am doing something about it. I'm not laying my lazy ass down on the bed and napping like last term, I'm eating half an orange for breakfast, going to my morning classes, and then working out. That's how it should be. No more dessert for me though! I'm disappointed that I gained so much weight, but it makes me want to try harder, my stomach is horrendous to look at. Since I'm staying at school this weekend, I'm going to work out of course. I might even go into town and buy a tanning package, I'm so so pale. Yuck. But my tubby is even worse, being pale just accentuates it. Hopefully I'll be able to bleach my hair next weekend if I go home. I want to be 118, that's my next goal, but I'll be celebrating inside when I get under 120. I'll be so happy. Stay strong lovelies! <3

Friday, March 18, 2011

Hatin' the bod.

Well, I fucked up, no surprise there right? I am a fat lard, but since spring break started I have at least been trying to eat less. Just before finals and during I did eat because I was so fucking stressed. But that is not excuse. Tomorrow if the weather is alright I will go running, maybe try to find those diet pills that have to be around the house somewhere. I have no idea where of course. I feel fat, I know I'm fat. My thighs and ass are just unbearable to look at, and my stomach! Don't even get me started. I'm most likely back up to 125 even though I wouldn't be surprised if I have reached 127 by now. I'm just going to try and eat very very little, I mean like a lot of restraining and as much exercising as I can fit in, the 100 workout seems like a good solution for at home until I can go to the gym back at school and actually work out. Plus it's at least a little more glamorous at school. I'm so tired of feeling shitty about myself and how I look. I want to be able to wear whatever I want to. On top of that, some sort of improvement has to be made by Thursday, the boy and I are going shopping and I really don't want to feel as bad as I do now. I know it's not a long enough time to make a huge difference, but difference enough I guess. Now that finals are done and I went to lunch with my mom once, I am home free to retrict and exercise like hell. Stay strong lovelies!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Oreos can go die now!

Well, I got down to 120.6 this morning! Almost below that 120 line....I want to taste that again.... Anywho, I suppose I found that as an excuse to binge tonight on oreos and milk. Bleagh, I've just been really stressed with exams coming up. And I know I am so in trouble tomorrow, when my mom comes to pick my roomie and I up for the weekend, we are going to olive garden. Sweet, sweet olive garden. I'll just chew really slowly and only eat as much as time gives me, and having half and orange or something tomorrow for breakfast, no dinner. On top of that, I won't eat much this weekend. I'll have to eat some though because I will be doing an intensive amount of studying. I'll just have to be careful about what I shove in my mouth, I actually wore a tank top to class today and felt good in it. I don't want to ruin that do I?
Anywho, to the great shame now in my tummy!

Today's Eats:

-Whole wheat toast w/ PB and banana
-scrambled eggs...probably 1/2 cup?
-160 cals of fruit mix
-oreos and milk shit

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Holding the hand that holds me down....

The boy doesn't understand. I try to be honest with him, to tell him what I'm feeling. I think it just scares him, he's worried about me, and so he tries to fix it. I knew that would happen when I told him. But still, I know it frustrates him when I don't make that automatic change and he worries yet again. I'm going to stop telling him about this sort of thing, I'm not going ot be dishonest with him, I will just avoid the subject.
On a different note, I starved myself fairly well today! Err, until this evening. Here, let me tell you about my epic failure at life. :)

Today's eats:
-I slice of whole wheat toast w/ PB and banana slices on it
-I cup of miso soup and 130 cals worth of pineapple slices
(threw it up....it didn't sit well for some reason. Now, here comes the fail because I was having a really hard time not falling asleep on my homework.)
-Mini box of Special K original with 2% milk....and then like 6 evil oreos kicked my ass later

I guess that isn't too bad considering what I was doing. I mean, I am studying my ass off and I have to have some ability to concentrate for finals next week. I'll just eat enough to get me by and I'll go all super hard-core on myself after next Wednesday, when my last final is. I'm not making excuses for myself, my grades are just really important to me, especially Chem...I don't want a C in chem.
Anyway, I feel like i can feel my hip bones more, and that my cheek bones are slightly popping. It's probably all mental this early in the game, but its something at least. It just teases me, pushing me to lose more. I want to see more of those cheek bones, more hip bones, more ribes, less tummy. It'll happen, I just have to have patience and not give up. :)

Stay strong lovelies!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Welcome back Ana.

We sat in my garden, my private garden, where I did most my thinking. An ethereal place with lush grass, a waterfall, a fountain. Flowers and healthy brush abounded, while a wrought iron gate surrounded the garden, covered in ivy. Trees shaded the area, their boughs letting hardly any sunlight in, that's how I had always imagined it. This is where I went for all of my deepest and most private thinking. I had buried many of my past horrors here, it brought me closure. I had also made many important decisions here. This garden was most sacred to me. We sat on a bench facing the fountain where I had laid to rest many ghosts of my past, some more easily than others. Was it good I was inviting her here? A place so private and intimate, I had never let anyone aside from me in here, at least no one that got out. Ana sat patiently beside me, waiting for my voice to break the air between us, she was always patient like this. Ana and I had known eachother from years back, but I had relenquished our friendship during a time in between then and now. I needed her again. I needed to let her into this place because I wanted her to affect me like she used to. She had such a strong influence on my life, and I wanted that again, I needed that again. She would give me the courage to get what I wanted. "Ana," I began, "I apologize for leaving you last year, you had been so good to me, done so many things for me, given me strength when I would bend, and I left you. I want to be your friend again, but closer this time. I want to let you in, we could accomplish even more than last time. Just please forgive me, please come back into my life." Ana smiled at me, calmly, but looking overjoyed at what I had just said. "Of course I want to be with you again. Once you are my friend, even if you leave me, you will always know me, and I will always come back to you if you ask." She reached out and took my hand. The relationship with Ana was always so complex, and somehow now made simpler. I wouldn't hold anything back from her. But she was my friend, and her embrace would never let me go. "I will listen to you Ana, I want us to be close, our lives intertwined. I want you to make me strong again, to make me thin....beautiful." Ana lightly pressed a bony finger to my lips, my hand still in hers she said, "I will honey, you know I love all my friends, and I will help them with their struggles and desires. Just keep me close to your heart every day and I will never fail you." I nodded. I had to let her back in to be beautiful. She never turned her back on me even when I did to her. She loves me like all of her friends, I just had to remember her, be with her, every day. This reacceptance of Ana would give me that strength I needed to reach my goals, to be happy, to be beautiful and feel beautiful, for myself and those around me. I need her.

Reports Make Me Fat.

Okay, so final weigh in today: 122.6. WTF dude. My weight is fluctuating like a fucking pundulum. Whatever, I'm at least happy I'm down a pound. My boyfriend visited today and basically force fed me, but I pushed the point of not eating that much and eating something healthy. That was our compromise and it worked. I didn't work out today because I had classes, him coming over, and then the report that I literally JUST printed off. I am really going to try to work out tomorrow, but I have a huge report due Thursday, so I dunno how thats gonna go. I want to post again tonight about something I had in mind today. I thought it might be an enjoyable read. Well for now anyways...

Todays Eats!:

-1/2 grapefruit
- I think 5 spoonfuls of rice and beans
-3 inches of a tuna sandwich from Togo's...with some shit condiments that make me fat. :)

Monday, March 7, 2011

Making animal noises at my bf over Skype.

On a latter thought, I remember this summer, laying in bed and my body aching because of how hungry I was. But not really feeling anything because I had gotten used to it. I cling to that memory now...I remember the endless purging and the diet pills I took. And how I starved myself so easily, I admire my past self, and knowing I was at home, where if anything, food is more accessible is entirely inspiring now. I want that feeling again, just lying there because I can't do anything else. Feeling my skin cling to my bones, not fat. I'm done with this whole eating thing. Grr....I'm going to weigh myself now just to get it over with. If anything, to inspire me to actually try tomorrow instead of come dinner time, and I'm back stuffing my face like a normal person. I don't want to be normal, I want to be skinny. Uh....123.8 wow....I did not eat a pound of pasta. Maybe it's because I have to pee too. I don't know. I would like to blame it on other factors but I know it's just me being fat. Whatever, it's time to actually commit.

Yuck.

I'm pretty much disgusted with myself. Today went poorly to say the least. Well, I was doing fine up until just recently with I stuffed my face full of carbs...not even going to say the name of the food. No, I should feel my shame, maybe it will help me eat less. Pasta. Yep, the "p" word. Ugh just shoot me, I was doing so well today, I didn't have time to work out today so that makes matters even worse. I want to purge but I have to get this dumb ass report done, part of the reason I went down to get food anyways. I guess it's a good sign that I'm feeling bad though, the guilt is a realization of what I want and by doing what I just did it's going to hinder me from getting there. I must keep the vision of me in a very tiny bikini on vacation with the boy. I'm done giving myself breaks. I am going to have to suffer for something that is going to make me feel that good, suffer for the abundance of clothes I will be able to wear. Maybe after my first class I'll work out before he comes and visits. It's a good idea, work off my screw up tonight. I'm shaking knowing I just ate that...maybe I will purge. Dunno, it's been a while. Now to publish my shame!

Today's eats:
-1/2 orange
-1/2 piece of toast with PB
-1/2 apple
-1 cup of pasta w/ marinara sauce *sigh* should have stopped at the apple.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Rick Rolled!

Yup so tomorrow is the day. Wasn't absolutely terrible today, but not as good as I would liked to have been. I'm kinda tired so figured I would get some sleeps for working out and not eating tomorrow. Gotta stay focused and commit. Maybe I'll try on that skirt again tomorrow or wear something that makes me look atrocious, that's inspiration in its most simple and harsh form. I remember vaguely what it felt like at the beginning of first term when I was actually quite thin. There was a week in there where I was actually getting space between my thighs. Amazing. Gotta think about that feeling...but better! I'll just scarf down some thinspo or write if I want food. I'll remember the feeling that my leggings were actually tight today and how my hips and thighs looked in them. Yeah, that will motivation for me. :)
Grr....I should probably weigh myself tonight, just to get a starting point....fine. :P *getting nakie*
Okay...122.4 lbs..wierd. I was like 124 or 125 last week...so I guess it's good that I don't have to start from there but from lower. Let's see what I can do tomorrow. :)

Pajama Jeans are for Fatties.

I have this wonderful image of me waking up next to him on the vacation. The fresh Floridian sun seeping in through the windows. I remember this familiar feeling and that it felt amazing, but I know that if I were thinner it would feel so much better. There would be less of me sleeping in that bed, less of me to cuddle with. I would feel more agile in a way and happier. Knowing that I can take a shower and not cringe when I get out and look in a mirror. Knowing that in the morning I can get up and slip into whatever the hell I want, and not have to dictate my outfits depending on my body shape or if I'm having a "fat day". Honestly, being able to walk around in a binkini top and shorts and not feeling like hell seems so out of reach for me, but if I start now and don't slip up, I will be able to walk around and not feel like shit. And I won't be sweating my ass off because I have to cover myself up in a t-shirt or something.

Another thing I have been thinking is my reward for getting thin. Oh yes, there will be prizes! I figure I will make all this happen this summer, after I am out of school and moving to Ohio with the folks, and much skinnier. First off, I am bleaching my hair. I've never been happy with the mellow, sort of darker blonde it has been. No, I am going to get bangs, layer the hell out of it, and bleach it to the lightest shade of blonde humanly possible. Second, I may or may not get a bellybutton piercing. Third, I'm going to get tan, not orange, but nice and brown. Then, a new wardrobe must ensue. More variety, for I wont be restricted to loose jeans, leggings, and loose t-shirts by then. And of course smaller sizes.

This is what I want, and this is what I will get. I will have this little fantasy of mine. A browner and very thin me, wisplike and trouncing around the hotel room with him in some sort of sexy, mock-nautical outfit and oversized sunglasses. Because I know if I go without this, and I am in the condition I am in now on the cruise I will hate my body still, and be down-trodden for at least eighty percent of the time. Yeah, I'm not going throught that again.

Getting Serious...

So, today I was pretty bad, but whatever. I wasn't as bad as the last two weeks. I don't want to start on Monday, I am going back to school tomorrow so I think tomorrow is a good day to start, I won't be forced to eat like today. I'll probably just stuff a few grapes in in the morning and then eat a light dinner when the boy takes me back tomorrow. I'll suggest sushi or something.

I just have to really discipline myself and stick to it. Not looking forward to the loads of exercise looming over me this week, but whatever. This week, when I cuddle with him, when I put on an outfit to see him, I won't want to cry when I look in the mirror or move his hand if I feel uncomfortable with my body.


I really have to keep my discipline this week. Don't eat, keep working out, feel better about myself. And then I'll be able to actually fit into that skirt he keeps begging me to put on. I did try it on, it's a small, and sure I can zip it up and stuff, but my fat ass looks horrible in it and my thighs look horrible. It looks almost comical really. Made even more ridiculous with heels. But if I actually try this week I'll be able to fit into that amazing skirt with some space in between my thighs! Yes! :D



Friday, March 4, 2011

Longest. Rant. Ever.

No time today to weigh myself. Classes this morning then went back home in the afternoon, pity. No, actually I am happy because I didn't have to confront the numbers on the scale today. However, that did sort of blind me later when I destroyed myself with fatty galore later in the day. I knew I had to slap myself awake somehow, so really I have been flashing myself with thinspo nearly all evening.
My ultimate inspiration is the boy. I am ashamed of my body, even around him, though in his presence it does get slightly better, I can't get rid of this sort of shame. I just feel like I would be more open and happy around him and with myself if I were skinny.
If my cheeks were a little thinner I would smile more around him. If my thighs were smaller I could walk less cautiously and with more command in front of him. If my stomach were smaller and tighter I could move in any way I way I wanted in front of him, and not be afraid of bending over or laying on my side. The list goes on. My neck, my ribs, my arms, etc. Every part of my body creates some hindrance.
If I could be skinny, it would take much less time to get ready to go out, or just to see him. I have to be so selective of what I wear to make sure my fat self isn't hanging out somewhere or whatever. I just want to be able to wear whatever I want. Just to be able to throw something on and leave without any second thoughts, no doubting myself or doing a hasty and doubtful double-check in the mirror before I leave. I actually almost cried the other day before I left for class, I saw my butt, stomach, and muffin top in the mirror and I almost broke down. So why the hell did I eat so much today. I wasn't thinking thats how.
Well, I'm going to think. On Sunday, I don't care how harsh it is, I'm going to weigh myself. Maybe I will hate myself, but I am going to so I have a starting point for my diet next week. I'm going to took skinny and fabulous and be looked at and wanted. No more fatty for me!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Chubby Chubstein

Well, I screwed myself. Couple weeks binging because of midterm/flu combination. I have gained a bunch of weight, I dare not step on the scale to see exactly how much. Squeezing into my jeans this afternoon was bad enough as it is. I took one look at myself in the mirror and saw nothing but chub. I felt like crying, it was rather disheartening so I'm vowing next week to take another stringent diet and exercise regimen. I have no desire to look at myself again and have that feeling, that awful, sinking, frustrated feeling. I would actually rather start tomorrow, I think I have officially scared myself into doing so. Looking at my chubby cheeks is frigging awful, unbearable really. So yes, tomorrow is the day, I'll way myself tomorrow, but tonight not a snowball's chance in hell. Food sucks. Food makes you feel like shit. Food makes you forget what's important to you, a really thin, beautiful body that doesn't make you look in the mirror and go: "Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh...." Oh yes, how could I forget? The last 2 weeks eats: -Bunch of crap that made me fat! :D

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

That Damn Muffin!

Almost forgot!


This day's eats:

-fruit and yogurt parfait

-1 apple

-water

-1 0 calorie tea

-1 small cheese slice

-1 poppy seed muffin

Clever girl...

My one indulgence of the day, yes cheese. Although I should probably cut muffins out of the diet, as those are usually considered to be a dessert-like item. Anywho, I started this Monday on this diet thing and have been sticking to it suprisingly well. I weighed myself on Monday and I was 123 lbs. Today I am 121.2. (If it's relevant I'm 5'7") Just hoping I won't get stuck and hit a plateau. Maybe if I start publishing what I eat every day it will give me more incentive to not eat as much...Damn I am clever! I should probably clarify what my goals are and why. Well, this summer I'm going on vacation with the folks and my bf for about 12 days and I want to be able to wear shorts without poking at my thighs like a dead animal every time I sit down. I would also just love to feel good in whatever I wear, I hate having to be choosy about which leggings or jeans I should wear according to my "skinny days" and my "fat days". I want every day to be a skinny day and I want to be fabulous, yes fabulous. And damn it I don't want to have to squish myself into my double zeros day after day. I want all of my jeans to be double zeros and not have this muffin top, or a lack of space between my thighs. It's emberassing. I'm literally scared of wearing shorts right now, and as the weather warms up, I know the coming heat will call for them. Stripping me of my loose leggings and sweaters, and stuffing me back into short shorts and tank tops. I can't have myself jiggling all over, emberassing myself and my bf. So here is the start of that journey, my progress.