Sunday, May 22, 2011

Don't get in my way, hun.

Today has been better than the other days. Went out to lunch with my grandpa but I didn't eat everything on my plate, which is a change for the better, and I had cereal for breakfast so it was an improvement, although I am going to be eating mostly fruits and veggies of course this next week. I don't know how far-fetched this is but I would be all too happy if I could get down to 120 or below this week. Then if I lose another five pounds the week after I'll be 115. As unrealistic as it sounds when I absolutely starve myself and work out until I want to pass out I lose pretty quickly, and only having a couple more weeks at school, I am under a fair amount of pressure.
God if he read this I don't know how he'd react. Well honey, don't forget, I'm doing this for you too. Don't try to stop me, because if my body isn't as I want it, I will never have a clear mind and heart. This is going to make me who I want to be.
Anywho...now I must respond to those lovely comments! :)
ullalexie: Thank you so much for your support! I appreciate your belief in my persistance. And girl, neither of us will be the fat friend, let's do this. :)

Kate: Thank you for the comment! :) Those are definitely two things I just need to keep in my head, will power is my friend. :)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Long, ranty post. :)

Hey all, just wanted to do a quick post, update on my latest failures. :) But sometimes I guess you just have to kick your own ass to realize what's important to you. I was walking on campus today and saw a chubby girl in a bikini tanning with some of her friends. I thought about my upcoming vacation, and about the warming weather in general, and I am going to end up looking more like her if I keep gaining weight. It sounds bad to say, but it is just the truth about what I thought. If I keep eating like this, I am going to look even worse than I already do. I don't want to go into detail about how I failed, or discourage you lovelies with my failure. I don't have finals until a week after next, so next week I can starve myself and work out, maybe even twice on mondays and wednesdays. I hope you all aren't terribly disappointed, because I am so disappointed in myself, I think that's part of the reason that I have been putting this off. I feel like my failure and gaining this fucking weight is indefinite and basically given up. But even if I am a fat lard now, I think I will be even more unhappy if I don't try period. I promise I will update on my weight next week, when I start working out again and can actually look at myself again. I see the pooch coming back...oh god...I'll fix this body of mine...I will be 115!
And as much as I hate to say this, my bf tells me to be happy with my body, and I tend to believe him on and off. But I have to give this up, sorry to him, but I can't afford five seconds of glossed satisfaction with myself to then later going to my closet and completely avoiding my double zeros because i know I won't fit anymore, and if I do, I'm going to have to squish myself into them and see my thighs touch and jiggle and my muffin top lopping over those beautiful jeans. I promise I'll be better, I'm going to go back to the rules I posted earlier. I just find it so hard to forgive myself and merely start over after screwing up so badly. I can do this, I have to do this.
I will start thinking about how skinny I will be, how amazing I will feel, and not how shitty I feel now because of how badly I screwed up and how fat I am. Focusing on what lies ahead seems to motivate me more. So, I'm going to watch some thinspo, picture myself in that gorgeous body I want, and will have. :) I'm going to stop fucking feeling sorry for myself and get to work, in other words.

Monday, May 16, 2011

What was I thinking? Nothing...that sounds about right.

Don't worry, I'm not going to have a pity party, I'm just going to be honest and admit that I have sort of been ignoring my weight for a while. I think I have just been scared to disappoint myself. Just a lot of midterms and school shit to deal with as well. I think I have just been pushing how I feel about my body to the back of my mind. But I can't keep doing that, I have to deal with it now instead of wallowing in disappointment later. Sorry to disappoint you all. My parents are also splitting up (for the better), and I'm changing my major, so just a lot of stuff happening right now. But I'm not going to make excuses anymore. I'll accept my weight, whatever ungodly number it is at now, and work once more to push the numbers down. Anywho, I just wanted to post before I went to bed, let you all know what's going on. And thank you for the lovely comments. I have an advising appointment to change my major tomorrow...wish me luck!
'
Stay stong, unlike me, and maybe wish some strength upon me, eh? :)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'm back! :D

Hey all! I apologize for having not posted in so long, last week I ended up in the ER twice and I was throwing up blood and all sorts of fun stuff. But anywho, I'm back. No clue what my weight is now, a little afraid to check since I've slept for pretty much two weeks straight so of course I didn't work out. My stomach is still a little burny so I didn't work out today, but even if it is tomorrow still, I plan on working out. It's really freaking me out that there are only a few more weeks until summer and I know I'm probably back up to 125. So, I suppose this means crunch time for me! Which I am okay with, I usually do better under pressure anyways.

Anywho, I am glad to be back. I missed all my skinnies....and hello to my new followers! :)
Off to go look through gorgeous thinspo! Stay strong girls! :)