Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Say no to the bacon!

Quiiiick update! So for the rest of the day, I ate probably 70% of an egg salad pita sandwich, and I resisted putting bacon on it so yay me! I also just had a pear a couple minutes ago, just to resist the M&Ms my roommate has. :) The lesser of two evils right? So I dunno how many calories those two have in them but I don't think too many, and I'm working out twice tomorrow again...NO MATTER WHAT. So that's it. :) I even resisted getting candy tonight after dinner! Woo!

Love you all, stay strong skinnies! :)

Almost died in art class...

Yeah, it was that boring. An hour and a half of our professor relying on mostly videos to do the lecture for him, and it just ending up repetitive and irrelevant. *snore snore snore* Any who, no that I am back and alive I must report on my success! 112.6 this morning! Weird eh? I was beyond thrilled. It just encourages me to work out today despite the ugly, ugly weather outside. So far I have eaten: 1 cup of Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal, with a small carton of fat free milk. Total: 280 calories. So tonight when the boy gets here I'll just eat some fruit or something. :)

Ugh, and on that note the boy decided to peruse my blog last night and we got in a nasty little disagreement. We worked it out and we're going to talk it out more today, it was just frustrating because I thought we were on a general understanding about it. He seemed to be more understanding after I calmed down a bit and tried to explain this and why I wanted it, which is good. I know he is just worried, but he doesn't need to be. From what I got out of it he just wants me to actually talk to him about how I'm feeling and not him having to read my blog later during the week to realize what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. My body is a touchy subject (obviously) so I don't just open up and blab about it and what I'm doing with it. Just wish me...or us luck this evening.
Thanks for listening lovelies! I appreciate your support, stay strong! <3

Monday, April 25, 2011

Nutella is too good, but not failure-worthy.

Okay let's make this fast! My boyfriend is chastising me over skype! I love him. :) Anywhosie, I worked out again, another 413 calories down the crapper! :) And for dinner I had a mini Tillamook cheese, and a Nutella and go. I think that's around 280 calories? Still almost 300, maybe I should limit those Nutella things down to twice a week, we'll see. :) My stomach hurts, but in the way where it feels like it's constricting and pained. I missed that and I welcome it. I want it to spread up into the rest of my body like it did last summer and envelope me. Take over my consciousness so I feel it presently all the time, from the time I wake up, to when I go to bed famished and weak, every nerve tingling from the comfort of my bed. I say bring it on. :)

I hope the rest of this week turns out as good, if not better than today! Stay strong lovelies! :)

I think I'll post somethi-....*Zzzzzz*

I have been thinking a lot today lovelies....I think I am just going to start over again. Because I didn't want to post my weight until I was back sitting happy at 120 but I want to keep track of my progress this week, especially with the fun little tracker I added to my blog. :) So I think I will make this week a new start. Currently I am sitting at 124, bleah, but I thought I was going to be 127 or something horrible this morning so it's better than what I had expected. Today all I have eaten has been the usual PB toast and small fruit parfait. I worked out today as well and burned 400 calories. I might work out again, but if I do I'm going to eat a little fruit....bleah I posted I have to work out twice today so I might just end up doing that. I'm so tired...I had a bunch of wonderful ideas about stuff I was going to post today but I fell asleep one sentence into this post so I forgetsies! I love you all! And hello to my new followers!!! *waggles fingers* I'll probably zonk out after this, but I'll post if I think of anything else if I think of anything.

Stay strong skinnies! I hope you are all having a wonderful day! :)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

A dose of reality with some ranting at the end! :D

Hey all! I'm sorry for my very sporadic posts at best. I am very sorry for what I have to now tell you. I ate so much this weekend. So. Much. The baby shower had tons of food, my grandma's birthday was this weekend to so of course there was cake and a special dinner. Also, I went to the boy's grandparents house with a substantial amount of his family there and we had a huge dinner. Shoot me. I don't even know how much I weigh at the moment. I'm afraid to step on the scale.
Good news though, is that I did get my hair cut and I love it. :) And so far, I have gotten nothing but compliments on it. I also feel though, however, that it accentuates my chubby cheeks, because there is no long hair to sort of veil them. If I had visible cheekbones though, I would look even better with this hair. So this could be another piece of motivation for me I suppose.
I am so disgusted with myself. No more breaks, no more going easy on myself. I only have one midterm this week so I just need to suck it up. I'm going to make some rules on here to follow, and I HAVE to post if I break any of them.
-No pizza (pizza is my favorite food)
-No ice cream or frozen yogurt
-No cake or pie
-If I get a sandwich from the deli, I can only do so when the boy comes over and only eat half of it.
-Nothing from the "buffet" except salad
-No sausage, bacon, or rice.
-If I get eggs, that's it, nothing else.
-No soft drinks except diet, and aside from that, water.
-No hamburgers or fries
-No hot dogs
-No candy
-I can only have those Nutella packs once a day and that counts as two meals. (so only one meal left)
-Work out twice a day on Mondays and Wednesdays (at least for this week) and every other day work out at least once (including Friday)
-No fast food. Period.
As these rules seem fairly obvious, I think it will help me with staying on track. This will work, I won't fail myself anymore. And this time, I have a system to back up my actions. And the last rule:
-Start reporting on weekends to eliminate binging.
*Rant Warning*
The last one should kick it in the ass too. I should look at this as a positive step. At first a step back but this will make things more permanent. Wish me luck! I WILL report if I have broken any of these rules, I promise. I will do this, I need to. I'm done undoing my work over and over. This is it, and I don't care how much he tries to coerce me to be "healthy" or how much he says "how skinny I am". I don't care how much I feel like passing out or how tired or hungry I am. I have to suffer after binging so hard. The only thing I am listening to is myself and Ana. No room for indulgence. This starts tomorrow morning and I'll be damned if this isn't the most determined I have ever been. He will see my hip bones, and my ribs, the way my stomach sinks in, my face shrinking and my cheekbones starting to show. And he will worry and I will know I am doing well...becoming what I have always wanted and needed. Thin, beautiful, pure.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Chop it all off!!!




Okay dolls! So I thought I might post a pic of what my hair is going to look like after Saturday morning ( The one on the left)! After I get it cut, I get to make a public appearance as well...joy! The boy's sister's baby shower is that afternoon. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, just a little nervous how his parents will react.

And of course I wanted to respond to your comments from today. :)

aelove- Thank you for your concern! I am a lot better now. :) I really hope it does look good! Crossing my fingers. :)

Skinny_legs- Thank you for your comment! And you're so right, no more excuses, that's really all I have been doing, finding excuses. Thanks for your support! :)

Sicky!

Sorry I have not been posting much. I got sick over the weekend and admittedly I ate more than I should have. So I gained a bit, but at least I'm not 125....again. Thank the Lawd! I feel like I'm snapping out of whatever cold buggy thing I have, so I'm going to go to the gym today. I'll probably go pretty light on myself however because I am still pretty dizzy. I went to see Scream 4 on Friday with the boy, (yes, that's what he surprised me with). :) We are both scary movie buffs and Scream has to be one of my favorites, so it was a very thoughtful surprise all around. :) Anywho, one of the characters, Kirby, played by Hayden Panettiere has really short hair and it is reeeeeeally cute. My mom and I went to see it the following day after I got back into town and she told me I have basically the same shaped face as her. Long story short, I consulted her, the boy, and my roomie and they are all in support of me getting it lopped off. I might post a pic of her today or something. :)
I just want to do something different, and since I'm in college, there is no better time to cut my hair right? Well, I think I'm going to go work out now. Have a wonderful, skinny day lovelies!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

120.2!!!

You couldn't imagine how surprised I was when I stepped out of the shower and weighed myself, 120.2! A day early as well! :) I'm happy I finally got down, closer to my goal weight. My next hurdle is 118. Today went fairly well I guess. For breakfast I had 1 low fat peach yogurt cup (140 calories), and a slice of banana walnut bread. I skipped lunch but then the boy and I went out to Shari's for dinner. I didn't completely stuff my face there, so I guess that's good. However, I did have strawberry crepes and two sausage links...bleah. And I also think we are going to taco bell tomorrow after we hit a movie. And I have no idea what we are going to see, he is determined to surprise me. So determined in fact, that he is having me wait in the car when he gets the tickets and then covering my eyes before we enter the actual screening room. Yeah. I'll just kick my own ass at the gym tomorrow morning, no excuses to not go, and I will have a piece of fruit for breakfast. Hopefully that balances it out. Think thin lovelies! <3

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Self-control please?

Today ended up going to shit. I doubt I will be 121 tomorrow, a saddening thought. I started out okay, with my usual slice of toast w/ peanut butter and sliced banana on top, then I worked out, and after had a salad for lunch. Well, after my last class something just snapped and I had 3/4 of a pita sandwich (tuna)....then a small frozen yogurt. The pita I could kind of understand but the frozen yogurt, no way in hell. I just feel all bloaty and full of fail now. This was my one break-down this week, no more. At least I worked out today and was good for half of it, I just have to get used to keeping it going. I feel like purging....dunno if I will or not yet, there are people right outside the bathroom. I want to see the numbers go down but I know tomorrow that won't happen. :( Once again, I have to pick myself up and keep going. Maybe I should limit sandwiches to once a week, that's a good idea. Oh, and does anyone have tips for inner thigh exercises? My thighs in general, but especially my inner thighs, have always given me trouble. Stay strong lovelies! <3

Random post-morning class post :)

Well yipeee! I'm close enough to the weight I was before I went all binge-crazy, so I suppose I'm brave enough to post it...122. Holy crap....if I could get to 120, or even better, 119 by Friday I just might scream. So I gotta work super hard! I will work out this morning and not procrastinate it until this afternoon. One more thinspo vid then gym, I'm not letting myself down again. I don't even think he thinks I can do it. I'll show him. :)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I'm Alive!

Okies, so I guess I didn't die from the massive weight gain over this weekend. I'm actually feeling rather optimistic! I lost about 2 pounds already and I worked out today, another 400 calories gone. Today I suppose I didn't eat much. 1/2 a bowl of cereal for breakfast with non-fat milk. Later I had 3/4 of a turkey pita sandwich and a couple bites of his frozen yogurt. A little naughtiness but that was the best I have done in a while. Oh! And I found out exactly how many calories are in those smooothies I have been getting, gawwwd. In other words, enough to make me stop getting them! Of course I hope to lose more tomorrow....120 by the end of the week I am begging! Another point to bring up, I was watching thinspo on youtube last night, and after each vid I read the comments below. People kept mentioning "ana buddies". Eh? Never heard of it, but it sounds nice though. :) And of course, americaneaglelove (aelove for short if that's alright.), thank you once again for your support, I really needed that after how discouraged I was feeling! :) Good night loves! Stay Strong! <3

Monday, April 11, 2011

Eww!

Like I said, I screwed up this weekend. My brain was absent. Well I paid the price for it this morning when I got the courage up to weigh myself. Big, yucky number staring up at me. Nothing I ate this weekend was worth that. All of my hard work down the drain. I guess I just have to slap myself again and get back to work. I'll just have to remember this shit feeling next time I consider eating something. On the bright side I'm not back at my starting weight I guess. Shame on me! I think I should probably get going to the gym before I get hungry. No more food for me tonight. Ugh I'm so frustrated with myself. I'll post what I have eaten today so out of obligation I won't eat any more later, because then I'll have to post that too! :D Today's eats: -1/2 orange -1 slice whole wheat toast w/ peanut butter -1 small strawberry banana soy smoothie Yuck.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

More Yuck.

Bleah. Don't even ask me about this weekend, binge city. I ate out with the fam more than once and had to get fast food on the way back to school. Not weighing myself tonight, hell no. I will work out every day this week, no matter how tired I am. No idea what I weigh now, I'm at least 123, I can feel it sticking to me. I'll restrict myself like crazy too. I don't want to feel fat like I do now. I want to feel amazing like last week but even better! No excuses for myself this week though, considering I ate everything that didn't eat me first this weekend. If I don't weigh a crazy amount tomorrow after working out I'll go for 119 by this Friday, at least. Just going to have to tread a very thin line I guess. -americaneaglelove: And I let him use my computer, and he just found it in the search history and got curious! lol But yeah, it was really sweet how concerned he was, and he definitely is a keeper. :) Thanks for your support sweetie!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

A close call.

He had found my blog last night. Not that I minded, he knew I felt poorly about my body, and I didn't want to hide anything from him. But before I knew it we were over skype, until about one in the morning, bickering over my eating habits and weight. I could tell he was worried about me but it was still frustrating. He knew where to track my progress now, he would be watching me more closely. When my roommate came in it was late, so we bid each other good night. This morning wasn't much different, and for some reason I was surprised. It was just more heated this morning, I ended up yelling at him. He didn't yell, he just begged. It hurt me that he worried like this, and I didn't want it to come down between my dreams of being beautiful and my dreams of being with him. Why couldn't I have both? He then went on to threaten to tell my mother. I halted, my anger fuming inside me. I sat through my whole class that way. We argued again until I told him to leave me alone, I cried for a few minutes then called my mother myself, figuring it would be better that I get to her before he did. I was right. She understood well what I wanted and why I wanted it, and for this I was thankful. I pleaded with her to talk to him and she did. After their conversation he called me back, and in a much more passive tone apologized, and said he would support me, he just wanted me to be healthy. He also said he wouldn't read this anymore. The rest of the day went along well, and he came over and I compromised by eating. Today was a smoothie, 1/2 a turkey wrap, and then some fro-yo later with the boy. It was relieving, for a moment today I had a feeling that I would never be able to be what I so desperately desired and was working so hard to achieve. It was like surving some variation of an accident, scaring me enough to refocus and try harder. So I guess this whole drama-fest was a good thing. I will be 115.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Shame is measured in calories and pounds.

Yuck yuck yuck! Everything went downhill from this morning. I had a small breakfast, and I skipped lunch. I didn't work out today because I had so much reading to catch up on. Then come dinner, I don't even know what happened. I can't even name what I ate. I am actually really sad I did that, I feel like I failed myself, and truthfully, I did. Now there is no way I will be 120 by Friday. I guess it's good though that now my stomach is in so much pain because I ate so much. I really am ashamed of myself. This is my punishment for eating, my punishment for not having control. I can't bear to weigh myself right now. This can't happen again, and it won't its physically and emotionally taxing. I have to work out tomorrow, at least to burn some of it off, and I will starve tomorrow. I have to, I can't. I'm sad now, but I can't just lay here and wallow in self-pity and regret. Tomorrow I have to get up and do what needs to be done, what I have to be to be thin and beautiful. Tonight was just a lesson learned the hard way.
~americaneaglelove, thank you so much for your support! I'm so glad my comments and posts help you as yours help me. Stay strong lovely!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Hump Day.

I suppose today was hump day in my case, considering Sunday was the day I really set forward seriously to accomplish this goal of mine. They say the third day is always the hardest, but then somehow it gets easier after that. I hope this is the case, and even if it is, I'm sure I will be more used to it but it won't be easier. I was thrilled today when I weighed in, 121.4! I hope I continue losing like this, I really want to be at least 120 by Friday.


I had a wonderful day with the boy. After classes he showed up at the dorms, and I greeted him in my double zeros, they are a lot easier to fit into, but my thighs still touch and I keep feeling muffin top. Therefore I am not yet satisfied. He of course made me eat dinner with him, but I ate half of the panini I ordered and he didn't push me to eat any more. I think he knows not to push me by now, but is happy with a compromise, and so am I. I knew this would happen so I had a small smoothie for breakfast before class. I also worked out today, burned about 420 calories.



What's more is that when we cuddled today, I felt so much more comfortable than previous times. Not completely comfortable, but I wasn't as insecure around him, which really opens me up and brightens my mood. So many good things can come from being thin. :) I want more though, more hip bones, less thighs, less arms, etc. :)



And....amercianeaglelove, thank you so much for commenting on my posts, and replying to mine. It is truly motivating and encouraging!! :)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

122.2 :)

I was surprised when I stepped on the scale today and I was 122.2. Grateful, but very surprised! I pushed myself to work out this morning and I burned 430 calories. I was going to fast today, but my roomie and I were out on the town and we grabbed lunch at Cafe Yumm. I ate 1/4 of a Yumm Wrap and had some iced tea, then we came back and split a cookies and cream bar. I guess it could have been worse, but it could have better as well. My roomie even said I looked skinnier! Perhaps I will start working out twice a day and Mondays and Wednesdays, we'll have to see how that works out with the studies. I am going to push myself to get down to 120 this week. If it means working out twice on those days so be it. On a latter note, I can feel my spine slightly better as well. I want more bones, god I cant wait to see my ribs again, especially my hip bones.

My cheekbones are there somewhere...

I was looking over some pro-ana blogs about now, alone in my dorm and I started thinking about something that happened a couple hours earlier. I lifted up my sweatshirt and I actually liked my stomach. It looked at least a lot better than it did earlier this week. It was a truly exhilerating feeling. Then I thought, what if I got skinner? I could have that feeling, but stronger. Eventually, I could have that feeling not just about my stomach, but the love handles right above my booty, then my booty, then my thighs (gapless wonders that they are). My face! Oh! To even see the cheekbones that lie somewhere underneath these chubby cheeks of mine. I want to feel what I felt when I looked in the mirror today, but about my whole body. The changes will come slowly, I know, but every time I work out, every piece of food I deny, makes it happen just a little bit faster. I'm willing to do that. I could get high off that feeling alone. I could just imagine it when my collar bones start to protrude, maybe my xylophone starting to poke out a little. I'm going to chase that dream down and catch it. No more of this ice cream shit, not even that good anyways...at least the stuff at the student store. I want him to carry me on his back, and when he tells me I practically weigh nothing, I want to know for sure he means it, because there would be no way he couldn't.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Eatin' Banana Pancakes...will make you fat Jack Johnson!

How shall I put this? The boy came over, I didn't binge on dinner, although we did have ice cream and damn it i totally binged today. I was bored out of my skull and the only bone-headed, gluttenous thing I could think of doing was eating. I got celery sticks for a reason. Well I justified it in my head because he took me out to eat this afternoon and I treated myself this evening. That was all I had today but still, it was too much and it was fatty shit. If I want to be skinny, I'm going to have to stop doing shit fat people do. I was doing so well this week too, got down to 124 something, didn't have the guts to check today. I'll work out tomorrow and weigh in after. I'll probably have gained but I wouldn't be surprised with how much crap I ate today. Tomorrow I'll work my ass off and I'll fast. (With the exception of celery sticks). And next week I'm going to actually commit to starving myself, none of this crap where I am snacking on an apple or something to get me by. That's why I only dropped two pounds this week instead of four, and I probably undid all that work today. If I want to be able to go outside with shorts, to wear a tight tank top, for him to see my ribs again, for him to worry, for me to be light as air, I have to go all or nothing. That's how Ana is, all or nothing. You have her or you don't.

Friday, April 1, 2011

I slipped, but won't quit.

Well, of course I was fed by the fam a lot over spring break. I fed my face and gained some weight. When I returned to school on Monday I was 126.4, now I'm 124.6. I immediately started working out and I have been eating a lot less. Been kind of hard to reign in control when there are sweets around, especially oreos, but I'm doing better. Going to work out again before the boy gets here tomorrow. I look so fat, I am so fat, but at least I am doing something about it. I'm not laying my lazy ass down on the bed and napping like last term, I'm eating half an orange for breakfast, going to my morning classes, and then working out. That's how it should be. No more dessert for me though! I'm disappointed that I gained so much weight, but it makes me want to try harder, my stomach is horrendous to look at. Since I'm staying at school this weekend, I'm going to work out of course. I might even go into town and buy a tanning package, I'm so so pale. Yuck. But my tubby is even worse, being pale just accentuates it. Hopefully I'll be able to bleach my hair next weekend if I go home. I want to be 118, that's my next goal, but I'll be celebrating inside when I get under 120. I'll be so happy. Stay strong lovelies! <3