tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30909742838088882612024-03-07T22:51:36.943-08:00Anything but the CupcakeEat the celery, eat the apple, eat anything but the cupcake. I want to be thin. I want to at least take a blind swing at the modeling thing. I want to feel good in anything I wear. I am writing this blog hoping readers may relate or be inspired by it, and to distract myself if my unfortunately strong sweet tooth kicks in...Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.comBlogger63125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-37892590620665710002012-01-23T16:14:00.000-08:002012-01-23T16:23:20.299-08:00Gonna do it.Yipee! Finished a wonderful workout! This is my last start over, after working out it made me realize how much I really wanted this. A sexy, gorgeous body. I saw this girl with a partial six-pack and a belly button ring. People like her are my motivation. So I'm going to keep doing this. I burned almost 500 calories on the elliptical and only ate about 400 so far today. So I'm running on a deficit, which is good. I just have to resist temptation at dinner, I kind of feel like having miso and a salad or something. Even though I already had miso and it has a shit ton of sodium in it, but so few calories! what to do what to do.<br />I was doing sit ups back in my dorm and I had that awful thought when you just start again, "Fuck, I can never do this, I am okay with my weight I guess, I'll just put it off". But in reality, how long will I put it off? How much more weight will I gain? I just have to remember that feeling of putting my zeros on, and them not fitting anymore, so I have to suck in to even get them on, I have tons of muffin top. One day, I wore them all day, and they were so tight they cut into my hip, I still have a really tiny scar from that day. So enough of this! It's also sooo much easier to work out when you have skinnier people in front of you. :) :)<br /><br />-Stay beautiful lovelies <3 ^^Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-10863339169174071212012-01-22T23:33:00.000-08:002012-01-22T23:41:57.371-08:00I miss you lovelies! :DThis is my focus. I will do this and I can. I just need more self-control, I have it, I just need to implement it again. I don't give a fuck if I am always tired or I get sick again. I'm going to make this happen, and my want and obsession will give me the energy to carry one. Fuck the bitches in my life that think I can't do it or have ever made fun of me. And the exes of my current bf you are going down, he will forget you when he he sees me, after I shed all this fucking fat. This stuff that isn't me, this fat, this parasite. And fuck him, I'll show him, I will make him want me. If I have to slap him and say, "Here! Look, this is your girlfriend. See my hot body? I'm like a fucking blonde Megan Fox. Except I'm here straddling you. Want me now?"<br />This is gonna happen Ladies. I can do this if I am hyper aware, and I will, because I want to be hyper aware, I want this to become the focal point of my life again. Because then I don't slip up, my success makes me a million times more happy, and they make me want to get up and do it again and try harder. <br />I want to get to....129 by Valentine's day...at the least.Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-71774830343210408982012-01-16T16:49:00.000-08:002012-01-16T16:51:05.962-08:00Slowly but surely.Making progress, back down to 136.8. Going to hit the gym more this week. I just get so tired, any advice? Mila Kunis is wonderful thinspo, by the way. I can't wait to be skinny!Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-44020989085549833082012-01-05T20:06:00.000-08:002012-01-05T20:11:11.210-08:00Pink Strip.I got a pink highlight in my hair today, and bleached it. I don't see what the hell is so complicated in showing the fucking hairdresser a pic of a girl with her hair completely bleached and then I say "I want that hair". Then the hairdresser gives me fucking bleached highlights...yeah it's lighter than it was but not how I wanted it...fucking...wow.<br />On top of all this, I don't know about him. Sometimes I feel like it would be stronger of me, and better for me if I just went my own way.<br />I've also been cutting down on the eating, yay. :)I'll repost my progress in the sidebar and get a starting weight when I get back to school.<br /><br />Stay strong lovelies <3Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-7049470113475629572012-01-04T20:54:00.000-08:002012-01-04T20:56:09.769-08:00Waaaaa!I'm bleaching my hair tomorrow and getting my eyebrows done...and I'm getting a pink strip in it. Baby pink, not whore pink. I really think this will give me bonus motivation to lose. :) I'm happy, its something I have always wanted to try and I can't wait. :)Here goes nothing!Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-33580445565652132002012-01-03T19:36:00.001-08:002012-01-03T19:37:46.630-08:00on tumblr now!Hey guys, started a bit of a thinspo/me tumblr page. :) I'm aiming for lots of tiny girls and clothes I would like to wear with some star wars and nerdy things that I am in to. <br /><br />Stay Strong! xxAlexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-85983968310484556302012-01-03T13:43:00.000-08:002012-01-03T13:49:23.929-08:00Listo.I need....<br />Fake eyelashes<br />Eyelash glue<br />Measuring tape<br />teeth whitening<br />to bleach my hair<br />Fake nails<br />nail glue<br />Eyebrows waxed<br /><br /><3Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-52313277045642699372012-01-03T12:38:00.001-08:002012-01-03T13:16:28.271-08:00Kind of getting a jump start.I'm so hungry, but I've already had some toast with Nutella on it and milk. So good to be back ladies. I must not eat...I can't been looking at thinspo for the last couple days and i can't get enough. The boyfriend and I are going to look at rings on Saturday and I want to feel somewhat fabulous. Like I deserve to look at those glamorous, romantic, shiny things. By the time we get engaged I want to be so slender....so that fat on my fingers doesn't poke out around the rings, and so it can be a small size, fitted to my slender finger. <br />I know my UGW: 120, but I don't know what my goal date should be. I'll be honest I am probably around 140...so I'm not sure how long it will take me to lose 20 pounds. More than a month I think obviously, but I don't want to give myself too long...I don't want to end up procrastinating. Perhaps setting mini-goals along the way is the best solution. Going to go look at more thinspo now...everything I want to be. :)Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-74528831018549515592012-01-02T15:24:00.000-08:002012-01-02T15:35:31.240-08:00To a New Year.Here's to us, here's to our motives, our secrets, our goals. The reason we follow one another here, comment on each other's posts, and why we can relate. Hopefully, you can relate to what I have to say here. I mean this for the first day I get back to campus and am able to use the gym and eat healthy or eat nothing at all. I will read it the day I get back for further motivation, and hopefully, you all can get some from it as well.<br /><br />Today I start. After today, I won't be the fat one in the group. I won't ignore the calories my meals, or take food for a regular past time. I will become wary once more. My body will be my fixation, my self-improvement my obsession. After today, I can feel sexy again, feel beautiful. I won't change my outfit from something I really want to wear to something that doesn't show my muffin-top, but is loose and unflattering. I hate this, I need to change. Today is the day I change. I shed my old skin for a new me, a new life. All you who doubted me, you hateful bitches, you self-centered exes. You will all get a wake-up call. I will be better than you all, my discipline will make you all look bad. Yes you, who tried to take him away from me...my arms will finally be smaller than you. Yes you, who called me fat, I will look so good in clothes you will want to scream. Yes you, who thinks your current girlfriend is so much hotter, you will want to stare at me now. Yes you, who are with me, I will be able to keep your eye. I will keep this promise, so I no longer have to be ashamed of what I am, so I can go out and accomplish what I want, so I can look and feel wonderful. So I can lose what isn't me, and reveal who I truly am.Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-81072187638155148722011-12-23T19:56:00.000-08:002011-12-23T19:59:44.313-08:00Waiting it out.Fat...yeah I know I have gained this break...big whoop. I will start as soon as I get back to school and starve and work out constantly and only eat salads and such. I think this is good for me i am so tired of eating and being full that I can't wait to get back on campus and go to the gym every day and start losing and watching myself shrink instead of watching myself balloon to the point i think i will pop. I can't wait to start changing myself...keeping record of my weight again....hitting the gym and watch the extra me just fall off....I will be skin and bones soon. My ribs will show and I will fit into my 00s again, only better! I can't wait. :)Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-522962992205248982011-12-19T21:07:00.000-08:002011-12-19T21:11:02.594-08:00Break=FATDon't want to know weight, although I have a rough idea. I don't think winter break is really good for anyone though!I have promised myself a new start when I get back to school though. I just can't get away from the fast food and sweets and absolutely everything fatty with family around and constantly being on the road. I have been so bad. :( I will make up for it though...I want to be so skinny and feel great in my second level ballet class next term...I will be beautiful. Not even really for him anymore...Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-15810010879173633382011-12-08T21:24:00.000-08:002011-12-08T21:31:57.772-08:00Chocolate Thunder from Down UnderI dunno about you, but I think that is about the worst dessert name ever. We went to Outback tonight and I was in front of my mom and bf so I had to eat. Also, the last few days being home have been hard, I have probably gained, hopefully not too much though since I have been trying to not completely gorge myself. I'm going to try and figure out this tread-climber thing my mom has and use it at home, since I know its going to be a lot more accessible than going to the gym every day. Then I'll just try to have salad every time I eat out, pretty simple really, I unfortunately didn't even consider it tonight. :( Minor setback, but I'm going to keep working! <div>Lofty idea, but I at least want to be able to send some portfolio shots into some agencies this summer. It really is a fantasy, but I would absolutely love it and it's something that will help me work towards my goal and drive me, so whatever works right? </div><div><br /></div><div>Love you all, stay strong! <3</div>Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-10411181312837073962011-12-03T22:20:00.000-08:002011-12-03T22:22:21.502-08:00Oh god...I'm humoring the people around me by eating...I hate it...I feel so full....<div>But...I did just watch the VS fashion show and I am never eating again. lol If you are ever feeling like you might want to eat....just watch that and you will want to exercise for hours. </div>Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-53772774637931789872011-12-03T20:57:00.000-08:002011-12-03T21:00:08.516-08:00Bad Myself!I'm a failure. All sorts of bad shit today...I need to relearn how to control myself when the bf comes over, I was 135.6 today though. Soon though right? I just have to get through finals which is the bad part of it. Wish my luck I hope I haven't gained back everything I have lost.<div><br /></div><div>Stay strong lovelies!</div>Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-70968067566155375212011-12-02T22:07:00.000-08:002011-12-02T22:09:54.678-08:00Quick Post.Horrible night, taco bell and ice cream. Bad me. Rest of the day was very good though. I want to be so skinny it is killing me! Bla! I promise I will be. :) Went to go see Breaking Dawn tonight, Bella's bones were so beautiful....Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-14978755571313181672011-12-02T13:44:00.000-08:002011-12-02T13:46:30.857-08:00I lost weight? Whaa?Yay! I worked out, 400 calories down the drain. I waited long enough so I'm not hungry, and I had a bowl of special k for breakfast, nothing else. :) And now I'm 136.0. Making progress feels good, even if I do want to be lower, at least I'm getting there. <div><br /></div><div>Stay strong lovelies!</div>Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-66068196474904986262011-11-30T17:26:00.000-08:002011-11-30T17:45:25.487-08:00Yucky Number.Final weigh in today: 136.4<div>Not pretty, but it's progress. My goal weight right now is 115, would it be completely insane for me to try to get too 100, 99 would be lovely, but if it is absolutely physically impossible then that leaves me for no hope. I'm 5'8"....so I' wondering if that would be completely out of the realm of sanity. Went to the gym today for the first time in forever, I'm so tired but whatever. I need to shut up about "tired" until I'm thin.</div><div>I remember last year, going to take a shower in the girl's rest/shower room. I remember washing my hair and finding strands of it tangled between my fingers. It was falling out....I wasn't sure what to think at the time...But inside, I know it made me happy. I want it back, I want to feel fabulous.</div>Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-84970285497952285622011-11-30T10:22:00.000-08:002011-11-30T10:37:06.246-08:00My Little Ana Breakfast.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Nah fuck it, I don't want to delete everything off here. Who am I kidding? Not like I would have the time to do it anyways with finals, boyfriend, hoping to find time to go to the gym and kill myself on the elliptical. I can only cross my fingers for the last. I've gained so much weight over vacation/not caring during school/thanksgiving. It's disgusting, I'm disgusting. So please don't laugh when I post it, I have to if I ever want to lose. So I can keep posting, showing my actual progress, its in print, I can't disappoint myself or my readers. I have people watching.<div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I want people to be shocked at how skinny I am, gawking and wondering how I do it. So far today I have eaten: A bowl of Special K, and some apple slices. I'm only eating the apple slices now so it will hold me over until after my writing class. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I don't want to go to math today. During presentations on Monday I choked, I could hear people snickering, and hear myself mumbling more, stuttering, getting lost in the words I was reading, losing my place..failing. When I sat down again, I could hear the guys behind me making fun of me, mocking me. They didn't have to tell me how poorly I did, I already knew. If only everyone knew why I did so bad, because I was fatigued, insecure, hating myself, so stupid. Hell, right before I even left for class I cried because I looked at myself in those jeans and that shirt and realized how wide I am..I am so fat. But I walked out the door and stood in front of those fools anyways, not like they understood how hard it was for me though. After my utter failure, I had to focus on not crying, taking all my concentration. I fell into my dark place then: "I shouldn't be here. Just do it when you get back to your room, no one will miss you."</div><div>So please, when I post this number, don't be like the people in my math class. Don't mock me for something I couldn't help at the time, but I am now. Please know I am working on it and I know I must be a disappointment to you all, but I want my progress to show you I'm not, that I can do this. So...</div><div>Ugly and Fat: 137.8</div><div>I will change my current weight and goal weight on the sidebar. <3 you all.</div>Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-2603317573198568392011-11-28T22:34:00.001-08:002011-11-28T23:16:18.467-08:00Pwease Read? :)I have been gone for a while (obviously) and let me be the first person to admit that I have screwed up. I am sooooooper fat and I hate it. I just ignored my skinny wants and good eating habits, and it definitely caught up to me. I am heavier than I have been in a couple years and it is greatly distressing. I just know I have do do something or I will end up even worse than I am now, I want to feel good when I put on clothes now, instead of trying to dress up for something, trying on eight million different outfits and being unhappy with all of them and ending up crying. So I am just thinking about redoing this blog, erasing all my previous posts and renaming it, for a fresh start. Being thin and wanting to be thin is a part of me and I can't ignore it because all this pressure starts building up and it makes me miserable, especially when I know I'm not doing anything to improve my situation. I just wanted to put this information out there to those who may still be following because I don't want to just leave you guys, I feel like we are all working towards a somewhat common goal and we support one another. Any feedback would be great and I miss you all! :)Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-57317469518048175512011-08-11T12:19:00.001-07:002011-08-11T12:25:37.231-07:00Kick myselfHey lovelies, I know I have been a horrible blogger and have not updated in forever. Long story short, I have been gaining and losing from being out of town, dining out, and relatives being over. But this month I have gotten a chance to work out again and keep to good eating habits. Have my bf's and bff's bdays coming up this weekend so I'll have to get salads if we go out. I'm hoping to get down to 120 by the 17th. I really have to...I mean the cruise is coming up too soon to even think about. Just having trouble not stuff my face after exercise. I think I'm bloated my tummy looks awful. Blah...I will try to update more often on my progress.
<br />Today's Eats:
<br />-1 4o cal popsicle
<br />-1 stick of celery
<br />-1 slice of salami (25 cals) >.<
<br />-1/2 small grapefruit
<br />
<br />sticking to celery and maybe a peach after my work out....must drink water!!!
<br />Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-7941794258229140332011-06-27T23:16:00.000-07:002011-06-27T23:21:31.407-07:00Heat Exhaustion?Well hello there peoples! :)<br /><br />So today I had like barely anything for breakfast, then I went to work out and I did so freaking well. Then I went tanning, but when I got home I became really <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">nauseous</span> and decided it might be from not eating. So I ate a small fruit cup and threw it right the hell up after. So I slept for a while and then had some soup and gatorade, and thats probably around 400 cals. Egad! Then I had a slice of cheese because I got hungry later...So I basically completely undid my workout today but I am still sure I kept it under 1000 cals today. But the problem is I got down to a lower 123 today, then jumped back to 125 after eating and drinking a bunch. I am worried I won't be 120 by the fourth, but I have a week, so I am just going to rehydrate myself tonight and keep my head up and go back in tomorrow...can't wait to finally see 122!<br /><br />Stay Strong lovelies! <3Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-58203932733469029792011-06-27T10:59:00.000-07:002011-06-27T11:07:53.485-07:00Not enough, yet.Still fluttering at 123, maybe if I don't eat anything but another half of an apple today and work out, maybe I can get to 122, but it's just depressing me to step on the scale and keep seeing the same thing. I have to eat less.<br />Oh yes, and as added motivation, I have been considering taking ballet lessons either this summer or the next term at school they are available. And I know how tight and unforgiving those leotards are, but how amazing they look on thin people. When I was young I was still fairly chubby and of course, did not look good in them. I am starting to see my ribs...its amazing....and my hip bones and peaking through. But it's not enough, I want more. But for now, it works as good motivation, a little tase of what is to come. I just have to be patient and not screw up in the meantime. I should be going tanning today after I work out, yay! My pale skin does not justice for my flabby body.<br /><br />Stay strong lovelies! :)Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-4051461581551969642011-06-26T16:09:00.000-07:002011-06-26T16:14:39.419-07:00Go away thighs!123 today, yesterday and today though I have been wavering between 124 and 123. I think I can get down to at least 120 before the fourth, if I can get down any lower though I will be thrilled. My tummy looks a whole lot better, not so poochy. But my thighs are still so horrendous. Anyone have any tips? <br />I put these jeans on yesterday and my thighs just looked so thick it was depressing. Oh well, once I get to 115 the weight has to come from somewhere, and hopefully by then it will be shed off my thighs. I'm a lot happier now though than I was from two weeks ago. Just gotta keep holding on. :)<br /><br />Stay strong lovelies! :)Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-16368923119212440892011-06-19T14:13:00.001-07:002011-06-19T14:24:57.091-07:00Back in the saddle.Hey loves! Just finished a killer workout at the gym here in town. Lost an itty bitty amount of weightsince I last posted, but at least it's something, right? Sooo tired...just wanted to update. :) I won't be seeing the boy for a week (or maybe even two), so I want to make as much of a drastic change between now and then. Anywho, I'm looking forward to that. :) I am praying I will be my goal weight by the time of the cruise...if not sooner. I know i will be around a lot of people by the fourth so my goal weight will be....120 by July 4th. I think that's plausible, especially for how much I will be working out now. I just have to focus, keep my eye on the prizze, and realize how much time I have left.Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3090974283808888261.post-40986178543998101322011-06-13T21:02:00.000-07:002011-06-13T21:12:11.778-07:00Off to find that scale....Hey everyone. :) Sorry I haven't been updating lately, dead week and finals week almost killed me, and this week I have been shadowing at the hospital and getting moved out and back into the house (oh joy). Well <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">anywho</span>, I'm still fat, but my mom and I just got memberships to the local gym and we plan on going very regularly. :) I've been trying to lay off the food, and been getting progressively better since I got out of school. Not quite as many temptations here, so it's been fairly easy. I don't know how much I weigh though, i still need to find the scale amongst the stacks of boxes in my room. But I've been saying no food with ease now so at least it's progress.<br />And of course, the best news for last, I'm going out tomorrow to get a little "push" for my weight loss if you know what i mean. ;)<br />This week I'll be with the boy at his parent's house while they are gone and maybe I'll go running or something in the neighborhood, since I am pretty sure it will be sunny there. :) I am so focused, nothing is getting in my way, especially because I don't want to be uncomfortable in all those tiny clothes at the end of this summer. :P Again, sorry for the sketchy posting schedule, wish me luck!<br /><br />Stay Strong lovelies! :)Alexa_Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10705927730071017277noreply@blogger.com0