Hatin' the bod.

Well, I fucked up, no surprise there right? I am a fat lard, but since spring break started I have at least been trying to eat less. Just before finals and during I did eat because I was so fucking stressed. But that is not excuse. Tomorrow if the weather is alright I will go running, maybe try to find those diet pills that have to be around the house somewhere. I have no idea where of course. I feel fat, I know I'm fat. My thighs and ass are just unbearable to look at, and my stomach! Don't even get me started. I'm most likely back up to 125 even though I wouldn't be surprised if I have reached 127 by now. I'm just going to try and eat very very little, I mean like a lot of restraining and as much exercising as I can fit in, the 100 workout seems like a good solution for at home until I can go to the gym back at school and actually work out. Plus it's at least a little more glamorous at school. I'm so tired of feeling shitty about myself and how I look. I want to be able to wear whatever I want to. On top of that, some sort of improvement has to be made by Thursday, the boy and I are going shopping and I really don't want to feel as bad as I do now. I know it's not a long enough time to make a huge difference, but difference enough I guess. Now that finals are done and I went to lunch with my mom once, I am home free to retrict and exercise like hell. Stay strong lovelies!

Oreos can go die now!

Well, I got down to 120.6 this morning! Almost below that 120 line....I want to taste that again.... Anywho, I suppose I found that as an excuse to binge tonight on oreos and milk. Bleagh, I've just been really stressed with exams coming up. And I know I am so in trouble tomorrow, when my mom comes to pick my roomie and I up for the weekend, we are going to olive garden. Sweet, sweet olive garden. I'll just chew really slowly and only eat as much as time gives me, and having half and orange or something tomorrow for breakfast, no dinner. On top of that, I won't eat much this weekend. I'll have to eat some though because I will be doing an intensive amount of studying. I'll just have to be careful about what I shove in my mouth, I actually wore a tank top to class today and felt good in it. I don't want to ruin that do I?
Anywho, to the great shame now in my tummy!

Today's Eats:

-Whole wheat toast w/ PB and banana
-scrambled eggs...probably 1/2 cup?
-160 cals of fruit mix
-oreos and milk shit

Holding the hand that holds me down....

The boy doesn't understand. I try to be honest with him, to tell him what I'm feeling. I think it just scares him, he's worried about me, and so he tries to fix it. I knew that would happen when I told him. But still, I know it frustrates him when I don't make that automatic change and he worries yet again. I'm going to stop telling him about this sort of thing, I'm not going ot be dishonest with him, I will just avoid the subject.
On a different note, I starved myself fairly well today! Err, until this evening. Here, let me tell you about my epic failure at life. :)

Today's eats:
-I slice of whole wheat toast w/ PB and banana slices on it
-I cup of miso soup and 130 cals worth of pineapple slices
(threw it up....it didn't sit well for some reason. Now, here comes the fail because I was having a really hard time not falling asleep on my homework.)
-Mini box of Special K original with 2% milk....and then like 6 evil oreos kicked my ass later

I guess that isn't too bad considering what I was doing. I mean, I am studying my ass off and I have to have some ability to concentrate for finals next week. I'll just eat enough to get me by and I'll go all super hard-core on myself after next Wednesday, when my last final is. I'm not making excuses for myself, my grades are just really important to me, especially Chem...I don't want a C in chem.
Anyway, I feel like i can feel my hip bones more, and that my cheek bones are slightly popping. It's probably all mental this early in the game, but its something at least. It just teases me, pushing me to lose more. I want to see more of those cheek bones, more hip bones, more ribes, less tummy. It'll happen, I just have to have patience and not give up. :)

Stay strong lovelies!

Welcome back Ana.

We sat in my garden, my private garden, where I did most my thinking. An ethereal place with lush grass, a waterfall, a fountain. Flowers and healthy brush abounded, while a wrought iron gate surrounded the garden, covered in ivy. Trees shaded the area, their boughs letting hardly any sunlight in, that's how I had always imagined it. This is where I went for all of my deepest and most private thinking. I had buried many of my past horrors here, it brought me closure. I had also made many important decisions here. This garden was most sacred to me. We sat on a bench facing the fountain where I had laid to rest many ghosts of my past, some more easily than others. Was it good I was inviting her here? A place so private and intimate, I had never let anyone aside from me in here, at least no one that got out. Ana sat patiently beside me, waiting for my voice to break the air between us, she was always patient like this. Ana and I had known eachother from years back, but I had relenquished our friendship during a time in between then and now. I needed her again. I needed to let her into this place because I wanted her to affect me like she used to. She had such a strong influence on my life, and I wanted that again, I needed that again. She would give me the courage to get what I wanted. "Ana," I began, "I apologize for leaving you last year, you had been so good to me, done so many things for me, given me strength when I would bend, and I left you. I want to be your friend again, but closer this time. I want to let you in, we could accomplish even more than last time. Just please forgive me, please come back into my life." Ana smiled at me, calmly, but looking overjoyed at what I had just said. "Of course I want to be with you again. Once you are my friend, even if you leave me, you will always know me, and I will always come back to you if you ask." She reached out and took my hand. The relationship with Ana was always so complex, and somehow now made simpler. I wouldn't hold anything back from her. But she was my friend, and her embrace would never let me go. "I will listen to you Ana, I want us to be close, our lives intertwined. I want you to make me strong again, to make me thin....beautiful." Ana lightly pressed a bony finger to my lips, my hand still in hers she said, "I will honey, you know I love all my friends, and I will help them with their struggles and desires. Just keep me close to your heart every day and I will never fail you." I nodded. I had to let her back in to be beautiful. She never turned her back on me even when I did to her. She loves me like all of her friends, I just had to remember her, be with her, every day. This reacceptance of Ana would give me that strength I needed to reach my goals, to be happy, to be beautiful and feel beautiful, for myself and those around me. I need her.

Reports Make Me Fat.

Okay, so final weigh in today: 122.6. WTF dude. My weight is fluctuating like a fucking pundulum. Whatever, I'm at least happy I'm down a pound. My boyfriend visited today and basically force fed me, but I pushed the point of not eating that much and eating something healthy. That was our compromise and it worked. I didn't work out today because I had classes, him coming over, and then the report that I literally JUST printed off. I am really going to try to work out tomorrow, but I have a huge report due Thursday, so I dunno how thats gonna go. I want to post again tonight about something I had in mind today. I thought it might be an enjoyable read. Well for now anyways...

Todays Eats!:

-1/2 grapefruit
- I think 5 spoonfuls of rice and beans
-3 inches of a tuna sandwich from Togo's...with some shit condiments that make me fat. :)

Making animal noises at my bf over Skype.

On a latter thought, I remember this summer, laying in bed and my body aching because of how hungry I was. But not really feeling anything because I had gotten used to it. I cling to that memory now...I remember the endless purging and the diet pills I took. And how I starved myself so easily, I admire my past self, and knowing I was at home, where if anything, food is more accessible is entirely inspiring now. I want that feeling again, just lying there because I can't do anything else. Feeling my skin cling to my bones, not fat. I'm done with this whole eating thing. Grr....I'm going to weigh myself now just to get it over with. If anything, to inspire me to actually try tomorrow instead of come dinner time, and I'm back stuffing my face like a normal person. I don't want to be normal, I want to be skinny. Uh....123.8 wow....I did not eat a pound of pasta. Maybe it's because I have to pee too. I don't know. I would like to blame it on other factors but I know it's just me being fat. Whatever, it's time to actually commit.

Yuck.

I'm pretty much disgusted with myself. Today went poorly to say the least. Well, I was doing fine up until just recently with I stuffed my face full of carbs...not even going to say the name of the food. No, I should feel my shame, maybe it will help me eat less. Pasta. Yep, the "p" word. Ugh just shoot me, I was doing so well today, I didn't have time to work out today so that makes matters even worse. I want to purge but I have to get this dumb ass report done, part of the reason I went down to get food anyways. I guess it's a good sign that I'm feeling bad though, the guilt is a realization of what I want and by doing what I just did it's going to hinder me from getting there. I must keep the vision of me in a very tiny bikini on vacation with the boy. I'm done giving myself breaks. I am going to have to suffer for something that is going to make me feel that good, suffer for the abundance of clothes I will be able to wear. Maybe after my first class I'll work out before he comes and visits. It's a good idea, work off my screw up tonight. I'm shaking knowing I just ate that...maybe I will purge. Dunno, it's been a while. Now to publish my shame!

Today's eats:
-1/2 orange
-1/2 piece of toast with PB
-1/2 apple
-1 cup of pasta w/ marinara sauce *sigh* should have stopped at the apple.

Rick Rolled!

Yup so tomorrow is the day. Wasn't absolutely terrible today, but not as good as I would liked to have been. I'm kinda tired so figured I would get some sleeps for working out and not eating tomorrow. Gotta stay focused and commit. Maybe I'll try on that skirt again tomorrow or wear something that makes me look atrocious, that's inspiration in its most simple and harsh form. I remember vaguely what it felt like at the beginning of first term when I was actually quite thin. There was a week in there where I was actually getting space between my thighs. Amazing. Gotta think about that feeling...but better! I'll just scarf down some thinspo or write if I want food. I'll remember the feeling that my leggings were actually tight today and how my hips and thighs looked in them. Yeah, that will motivation for me. :)
Grr....I should probably weigh myself tonight, just to get a starting point....fine. :P *getting nakie*
Okay...122.4 lbs..wierd. I was like 124 or 125 last week...so I guess it's good that I don't have to start from there but from lower. Let's see what I can do tomorrow. :)

Pajama Jeans are for Fatties.

I have this wonderful image of me waking up next to him on the vacation. The fresh Floridian sun seeping in through the windows. I remember this familiar feeling and that it felt amazing, but I know that if I were thinner it would feel so much better. There would be less of me sleeping in that bed, less of me to cuddle with. I would feel more agile in a way and happier. Knowing that I can take a shower and not cringe when I get out and look in a mirror. Knowing that in the morning I can get up and slip into whatever the hell I want, and not have to dictate my outfits depending on my body shape or if I'm having a "fat day". Honestly, being able to walk around in a binkini top and shorts and not feeling like hell seems so out of reach for me, but if I start now and don't slip up, I will be able to walk around and not feel like shit. And I won't be sweating my ass off because I have to cover myself up in a t-shirt or something.

Another thing I have been thinking is my reward for getting thin. Oh yes, there will be prizes! I figure I will make all this happen this summer, after I am out of school and moving to Ohio with the folks, and much skinnier. First off, I am bleaching my hair. I've never been happy with the mellow, sort of darker blonde it has been. No, I am going to get bangs, layer the hell out of it, and bleach it to the lightest shade of blonde humanly possible. Second, I may or may not get a bellybutton piercing. Third, I'm going to get tan, not orange, but nice and brown. Then, a new wardrobe must ensue. More variety, for I wont be restricted to loose jeans, leggings, and loose t-shirts by then. And of course smaller sizes.

This is what I want, and this is what I will get. I will have this little fantasy of mine. A browner and very thin me, wisplike and trouncing around the hotel room with him in some sort of sexy, mock-nautical outfit and oversized sunglasses. Because I know if I go without this, and I am in the condition I am in now on the cruise I will hate my body still, and be down-trodden for at least eighty percent of the time. Yeah, I'm not going throught that again.

Getting Serious...

So, today I was pretty bad, but whatever. I wasn't as bad as the last two weeks. I don't want to start on Monday, I am going back to school tomorrow so I think tomorrow is a good day to start, I won't be forced to eat like today. I'll probably just stuff a few grapes in in the morning and then eat a light dinner when the boy takes me back tomorrow. I'll suggest sushi or something.

I just have to really discipline myself and stick to it. Not looking forward to the loads of exercise looming over me this week, but whatever. This week, when I cuddle with him, when I put on an outfit to see him, I won't want to cry when I look in the mirror or move his hand if I feel uncomfortable with my body.

I really have to keep my discipline this week. Don't eat, keep working out, feel better about myself. And then I'll be able to actually fit into that skirt he keeps begging me to put on. I did try it on, it's a small, and sure I can zip it up and stuff, but my fat ass looks horrible in it and my thighs look horrible. It looks almost comical really. Made even more ridiculous with heels. But if I actually try this week I'll be able to fit into that amazing skirt with some space in between my thighs! Yes! :D

Longest. Rant. Ever.

No time today to weigh myself. Classes this morning then went back home in the afternoon, pity. No, actually I am happy because I didn't have to confront the numbers on the scale today. However, that did sort of blind me later when I destroyed myself with fatty galore later in the day. I knew I had to slap myself awake somehow, so really I have been flashing myself with thinspo nearly all evening.
My ultimate inspiration is the boy. I am ashamed of my body, even around him, though in his presence it does get slightly better, I can't get rid of this sort of shame. I just feel like I would be more open and happy around him and with myself if I were skinny.
If my cheeks were a little thinner I would smile more around him. If my thighs were smaller I could walk less cautiously and with more command in front of him. If my stomach were smaller and tighter I could move in any way I way I wanted in front of him, and not be afraid of bending over or laying on my side. The list goes on. My neck, my ribs, my arms, etc. Every part of my body creates some hindrance.
If I could be skinny, it would take much less time to get ready to go out, or just to see him. I have to be so selective of what I wear to make sure my fat self isn't hanging out somewhere or whatever. I just want to be able to wear whatever I want. Just to be able to throw something on and leave without any second thoughts, no doubting myself or doing a hasty and doubtful double-check in the mirror before I leave. I actually almost cried the other day before I left for class, I saw my butt, stomach, and muffin top in the mirror and I almost broke down. So why the hell did I eat so much today. I wasn't thinking thats how.
Well, I'm going to think. On Sunday, I don't care how harsh it is, I'm going to weigh myself. Maybe I will hate myself, but I am going to so I have a starting point for my diet next week. I'm going to took skinny and fabulous and be looked at and wanted. No more fatty for me!

Chubby Chubstein

Well, I screwed myself. Couple weeks binging because of midterm/flu combination. I have gained a bunch of weight, I dare not step on the scale to see exactly how much. Squeezing into my jeans this afternoon was bad enough as it is. I took one look at myself in the mirror and saw nothing but chub. I felt like crying, it was rather disheartening so I'm vowing next week to take another stringent diet and exercise regimen. I have no desire to look at myself again and have that feeling, that awful, sinking, frustrated feeling. I would actually rather start tomorrow, I think I have officially scared myself into doing so. Looking at my chubby cheeks is frigging awful, unbearable really. So yes, tomorrow is the day, I'll way myself tomorrow, but tonight not a snowball's chance in hell. Food sucks. Food makes you feel like shit. Food makes you forget what's important to you, a really thin, beautiful body that doesn't make you look in the mirror and go: "Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh...." Oh yes, how could I forget? The last 2 weeks eats: -Bunch of crap that made me fat! :D