Yucky Number.

Final weigh in today: 136.4

Not pretty, but it's progress. My goal weight right now is 115, would it be completely insane for me to try to get too 100, 99 would be lovely, but if it is absolutely physically impossible then that leaves me for no hope. I'm 5'8"....so I' wondering if that would be completely out of the realm of sanity. Went to the gym today for the first time in forever, I'm so tired but whatever. I need to shut up about "tired" until I'm thin.

I remember last year, going to take a shower in the girl's rest/shower room. I remember washing my hair and finding strands of it tangled between my fingers. It was falling out....I wasn't sure what to think at the time...But inside, I know it made me happy. I want it back, I want to feel fabulous.

My Little Ana Breakfast.

Nah fuck it, I don't want to delete everything off here. Who am I kidding? Not like I would have the time to do it anyways with finals, boyfriend, hoping to find time to go to the gym and kill myself on the elliptical. I can only cross my fingers for the last. I've gained so much weight over vacation/not caring during school/thanksgiving. It's disgusting, I'm disgusting. So please don't laugh when I post it, I have to if I ever want to lose. So I can keep posting, showing my actual progress, its in print, I can't disappoint myself or my readers. I have people watching.

I want people to be shocked at how skinny I am, gawking and wondering how I do it. So far today I have eaten: A bowl of Special K, and some apple slices. I'm only eating the apple slices now so it will hold me over until after my writing class.

I don't want to go to math today. During presentations on Monday I choked, I could hear people snickering, and hear myself mumbling more, stuttering, getting lost in the words I was reading, losing my place..failing. When I sat down again, I could hear the guys behind me making fun of me, mocking me. They didn't have to tell me how poorly I did, I already knew. If only everyone knew why I did so bad, because I was fatigued, insecure, hating myself, so stupid. Hell, right before I even left for class I cried because I looked at myself in those jeans and that shirt and realized how wide I am..I am so fat. But I walked out the door and stood in front of those fools anyways, not like they understood how hard it was for me though. After my utter failure, I had to focus on not crying, taking all my concentration. I fell into my dark place then: "I shouldn't be here. Just do it when you get back to your room, no one will miss you."

So please, when I post this number, don't be like the people in my math class. Don't mock me for something I couldn't help at the time, but I am now. Please know I am working on it and I know I must be a disappointment to you all, but I want my progress to show you I'm not, that I can do this. So...

Ugly and Fat: 137.8

I will change my current weight and goal weight on the sidebar. <3 you all.

Pwease Read? :)

I have been gone for a while (obviously) and let me be the first person to admit that I have screwed up. I am sooooooper fat and I hate it. I just ignored my skinny wants and good eating habits, and it definitely caught up to me. I am heavier than I have been in a couple years and it is greatly distressing. I just know I have do do something or I will end up even worse than I am now, I want to feel good when I put on clothes now, instead of trying to dress up for something, trying on eight million different outfits and being unhappy with all of them and ending up crying. So I am just thinking about redoing this blog, erasing all my previous posts and renaming it, for a fresh start. Being thin and wanting to be thin is a part of me and I can't ignore it because all this pressure starts building up and it makes me miserable, especially when I know I'm not doing anything to improve my situation. I just wanted to put this information out there to those who may still be following because I don't want to just leave you guys, I feel like we are all working towards a somewhat common goal and we support one another. Any feedback would be great and I miss you all! :)