No time today to weigh myself. Classes this morning then went back home in the afternoon, pity. No, actually I am happy because I didn't have to confront the numbers on the scale today. However, that did sort of blind me later when I destroyed myself with fatty galore later in the day. I knew I had to slap myself awake somehow, so really I have been flashing myself with thinspo nearly all evening.
My ultimate inspiration is the boy. I am ashamed of my body, even around him, though in his presence it does get slightly better, I can't get rid of this sort of shame. I just feel like I would be more open and happy around him and with myself if I were skinny.
If my cheeks were a little thinner I would smile more around him. If my thighs were smaller I could walk less cautiously and with more command in front of him. If my stomach were smaller and tighter I could move in any way I way I wanted in front of him, and not be afraid of bending over or laying on my side. The list goes on. My neck, my ribs, my arms, etc. Every part of my body creates some hindrance.
If I could be skinny, it would take much less time to get ready to go out, or just to see him. I have to be so selective of what I wear to make sure my fat self isn't hanging out somewhere or whatever. I just want to be able to wear whatever I want. Just to be able to throw something on and leave without any second thoughts, no doubting myself or doing a hasty and doubtful double-check in the mirror before I leave. I actually almost cried the other day before I left for class, I saw my butt, stomach, and muffin top in the mirror and I almost broke down. So why the hell did I eat so much today. I wasn't thinking thats how.
Well, I'm going to think. On Sunday, I don't care how harsh it is, I'm going to weigh myself. Maybe I will hate myself, but I am going to so I have a starting point for my diet next week. I'm going to took skinny and fabulous and be looked at and wanted. No more fatty for me!
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