Pajama Jeans are for Fatties.

I have this wonderful image of me waking up next to him on the vacation. The fresh Floridian sun seeping in through the windows. I remember this familiar feeling and that it felt amazing, but I know that if I were thinner it would feel so much better. There would be less of me sleeping in that bed, less of me to cuddle with. I would feel more agile in a way and happier. Knowing that I can take a shower and not cringe when I get out and look in a mirror. Knowing that in the morning I can get up and slip into whatever the hell I want, and not have to dictate my outfits depending on my body shape or if I'm having a "fat day". Honestly, being able to walk around in a binkini top and shorts and not feeling like hell seems so out of reach for me, but if I start now and don't slip up, I will be able to walk around and not feel like shit. And I won't be sweating my ass off because I have to cover myself up in a t-shirt or something.

Another thing I have been thinking is my reward for getting thin. Oh yes, there will be prizes! I figure I will make all this happen this summer, after I am out of school and moving to Ohio with the folks, and much skinnier. First off, I am bleaching my hair. I've never been happy with the mellow, sort of darker blonde it has been. No, I am going to get bangs, layer the hell out of it, and bleach it to the lightest shade of blonde humanly possible. Second, I may or may not get a bellybutton piercing. Third, I'm going to get tan, not orange, but nice and brown. Then, a new wardrobe must ensue. More variety, for I wont be restricted to loose jeans, leggings, and loose t-shirts by then. And of course smaller sizes.

This is what I want, and this is what I will get. I will have this little fantasy of mine. A browner and very thin me, wisplike and trouncing around the hotel room with him in some sort of sexy, mock-nautical outfit and oversized sunglasses. Because I know if I go without this, and I am in the condition I am in now on the cruise I will hate my body still, and be down-trodden for at least eighty percent of the time. Yeah, I'm not going throught that again.