Not enough, yet.

Still fluttering at 123, maybe if I don't eat anything but another half of an apple today and work out, maybe I can get to 122, but it's just depressing me to step on the scale and keep seeing the same thing. I have to eat less.
Oh yes, and as added motivation, I have been considering taking ballet lessons either this summer or the next term at school they are available. And I know how tight and unforgiving those leotards are, but how amazing they look on thin people. When I was young I was still fairly chubby and of course, did not look good in them. I am starting to see my ribs...its amazing....and my hip bones and peaking through. But it's not enough, I want more. But for now, it works as good motivation, a little tase of what is to come. I just have to be patient and not screw up in the meantime. I should be going tanning today after I work out, yay! My pale skin does not justice for my flabby body.

Stay strong lovelies! :)

Go away thighs!

123 today, yesterday and today though I have been wavering between 124 and 123. I think I can get down to at least 120 before the fourth, if I can get down any lower though I will be thrilled. My tummy looks a whole lot better, not so poochy. But my thighs are still so horrendous. Anyone have any tips?
I put these jeans on yesterday and my thighs just looked so thick it was depressing. Oh well, once I get to 115 the weight has to come from somewhere, and hopefully by then it will be shed off my thighs. I'm a lot happier now though than I was from two weeks ago. Just gotta keep holding on. :)

Stay strong lovelies! :)

Back in the saddle.

Hey loves! Just finished a killer workout at the gym here in town. Lost an itty bitty amount of weightsince I last posted, but at least it's something, right? Sooo tired...just wanted to update. :) I won't be seeing the boy for a week (or maybe even two), so I want to make as much of a drastic change between now and then. Anywho, I'm looking forward to that. :) I am praying I will be my goal weight by the time of the cruise...if not sooner. I know i will be around a lot of people by the fourth so my goal weight will be....120 by July 4th. I think that's plausible, especially for how much I will be working out now. I just have to focus, keep my eye on the prizze, and realize how much time I have left.

Off to find that scale....

Hey everyone. :) Sorry I haven't been updating lately, dead week and finals week almost killed me, and this week I have been shadowing at the hospital and getting moved out and back into the house (oh joy). Well anywho, I'm still fat, but my mom and I just got memberships to the local gym and we plan on going very regularly. :) I've been trying to lay off the food, and been getting progressively better since I got out of school. Not quite as many temptations here, so it's been fairly easy. I don't know how much I weigh though, i still need to find the scale amongst the stacks of boxes in my room. But I've been saying no food with ease now so at least it's progress.
And of course, the best news for last, I'm going out tomorrow to get a little "push" for my weight loss if you know what i mean. ;)
This week I'll be with the boy at his parent's house while they are gone and maybe I'll go running or something in the neighborhood, since I am pretty sure it will be sunny there. :) I am so focused, nothing is getting in my way, especially because I don't want to be uncomfortable in all those tiny clothes at the end of this summer. :P Again, sorry for the sketchy posting schedule, wish me luck!

Stay Strong lovelies! :)

Don't get in my way, hun.

Today has been better than the other days. Went out to lunch with my grandpa but I didn't eat everything on my plate, which is a change for the better, and I had cereal for breakfast so it was an improvement, although I am going to be eating mostly fruits and veggies of course this next week. I don't know how far-fetched this is but I would be all too happy if I could get down to 120 or below this week. Then if I lose another five pounds the week after I'll be 115. As unrealistic as it sounds when I absolutely starve myself and work out until I want to pass out I lose pretty quickly, and only having a couple more weeks at school, I am under a fair amount of pressure.
God if he read this I don't know how he'd react. Well honey, don't forget, I'm doing this for you too. Don't try to stop me, because if my body isn't as I want it, I will never have a clear mind and heart. This is going to make me who I want to be.
Anywho...now I must respond to those lovely comments! :)
ullalexie: Thank you so much for your support! I appreciate your belief in my persistance. And girl, neither of us will be the fat friend, let's do this. :)

Kate: Thank you for the comment! :) Those are definitely two things I just need to keep in my head, will power is my friend. :)

Long, ranty post. :)

Hey all, just wanted to do a quick post, update on my latest failures. :) But sometimes I guess you just have to kick your own ass to realize what's important to you. I was walking on campus today and saw a chubby girl in a bikini tanning with some of her friends. I thought about my upcoming vacation, and about the warming weather in general, and I am going to end up looking more like her if I keep gaining weight. It sounds bad to say, but it is just the truth about what I thought. If I keep eating like this, I am going to look even worse than I already do. I don't want to go into detail about how I failed, or discourage you lovelies with my failure. I don't have finals until a week after next, so next week I can starve myself and work out, maybe even twice on mondays and wednesdays. I hope you all aren't terribly disappointed, because I am so disappointed in myself, I think that's part of the reason that I have been putting this off. I feel like my failure and gaining this fucking weight is indefinite and basically given up. But even if I am a fat lard now, I think I will be even more unhappy if I don't try period. I promise I will update on my weight next week, when I start working out again and can actually look at myself again. I see the pooch coming back...oh god...I'll fix this body of mine...I will be 115!
And as much as I hate to say this, my bf tells me to be happy with my body, and I tend to believe him on and off. But I have to give this up, sorry to him, but I can't afford five seconds of glossed satisfaction with myself to then later going to my closet and completely avoiding my double zeros because i know I won't fit anymore, and if I do, I'm going to have to squish myself into them and see my thighs touch and jiggle and my muffin top lopping over those beautiful jeans. I promise I'll be better, I'm going to go back to the rules I posted earlier. I just find it so hard to forgive myself and merely start over after screwing up so badly. I can do this, I have to do this.
I will start thinking about how skinny I will be, how amazing I will feel, and not how shitty I feel now because of how badly I screwed up and how fat I am. Focusing on what lies ahead seems to motivate me more. So, I'm going to watch some thinspo, picture myself in that gorgeous body I want, and will have. :) I'm going to stop fucking feeling sorry for myself and get to work, in other words.

What was I thinking? Nothing...that sounds about right.

Don't worry, I'm not going to have a pity party, I'm just going to be honest and admit that I have sort of been ignoring my weight for a while. I think I have just been scared to disappoint myself. Just a lot of midterms and school shit to deal with as well. I think I have just been pushing how I feel about my body to the back of my mind. But I can't keep doing that, I have to deal with it now instead of wallowing in disappointment later. Sorry to disappoint you all. My parents are also splitting up (for the better), and I'm changing my major, so just a lot of stuff happening right now. But I'm not going to make excuses anymore. I'll accept my weight, whatever ungodly number it is at now, and work once more to push the numbers down. Anywho, I just wanted to post before I went to bed, let you all know what's going on. And thank you for the lovely comments. I have an advising appointment to change my major tomorrow...wish me luck!
'
Stay stong, unlike me, and maybe wish some strength upon me, eh? :)