Hey all, just wanted to do a quick post, update on my latest failures. :) But sometimes I guess you just have to kick your own ass to realize what's important to you. I was walking on campus today and saw a chubby girl in a bikini tanning with some of her friends. I thought about my upcoming vacation, and about the warming weather in general, and I am going to end up looking more like her if I keep gaining weight. It sounds bad to say, but it is just the truth about what I thought. If I keep eating like this, I am going to look even worse than I already do. I don't want to go into detail about how I failed, or discourage you lovelies with my failure. I don't have finals until a week after next, so next week I can starve myself and work out, maybe even twice on mondays and wednesdays. I hope you all aren't terribly disappointed, because I am so disappointed in myself, I think that's part of the reason that I have been putting this off. I feel like my failure and gaining this fucking weight is indefinite and basically given up. But even if I am a fat lard now, I think I will be even more unhappy if I don't try period. I promise I will update on my weight next week, when I start working out again and can actually look at myself again. I see the pooch coming back...oh god...I'll fix this body of mine...I will be 115!
And as much as I hate to say this, my bf tells me to be happy with my body, and I tend to believe him on and off. But I have to give this up, sorry to him, but I can't afford five seconds of glossed satisfaction with myself to then later going to my closet and completely avoiding my double zeros because i know I won't fit anymore, and if I do, I'm going to have to squish myself into them and see my thighs touch and jiggle and my muffin top lopping over those beautiful jeans. I promise I'll be better, I'm going to go back to the rules I posted earlier. I just find it so hard to forgive myself and merely start over after screwing up so badly. I can do this, I have to do this.
I will start thinking about how skinny I will be, how amazing I will feel, and not how shitty I feel now because of how badly I screwed up and how fat I am. Focusing on what lies ahead seems to motivate me more. So, I'm going to watch some thinspo, picture myself in that gorgeous body I want, and will have. :) I'm going to stop fucking feeling sorry for myself and get to work, in other words.
I know exactly how you feel. Good luck with this next week, though - just resist temptation and force yourself to exercise. You can do it! :)
ReplyDeleteI so know what you mean, I have nightmares about bikini season and the rolls of fat hanging off my body and having to be on the beach with my friends who are all super skinny. I don;t want to be the fat friend anymore. Don't give up! You're right, you can do this! you will do this! we're here to support you!
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